I have a family member who is crazy.
There, I put that out there.
If you're wondering why I am putting Betsy (not her real name) on blast here, it is because I am trying to be transparent and real.
And because she is just...beyond.
Here's the key for today, I am not going to share her craziness for everyone to bear witness to and cringe over. You will just have to take my word for it. I imagine you can use your imagination, and even more, you likely have someone in your life who is just *insert eye roll and long exhale here* and thus you don't need to hear about more craziness. You're just here for the How Not To Lose Your Crap portion.
Me too. I need the help.
I need to learn to navigate life with this person. Simple objectives, really. Like how to hold my tongue while not giving her the impression that I actually agree with her selfish antics. Like loving her but not liking her, trying to be the better person, and treating her like I wish she would treat me and the other people in her life.
So I have some tools, and after speaking with her on the phone last night (the portion after her nonsense complaining but before she hung up on me), I realized that these are worth sharing.
One last thing. I do love her. It may sound crazy, but I understand that family can be crazy, and still, they are pieces of us. And I believe that, in His sovereignty, God gave us one another. I absolutely believe, although Robin, one my Starbucks managers from Sunset and Mohawk, would shake her head and wag her finger at me, that one can "hate the sin, love the sinner".
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Understand that you have the right to set boundaries.
If you are underage, this is trickier because you may be at the mercy of the adult in your life, however, whenever possible, you can share your concerns.
Is uncle Bob a creepo? Tell your mom you don't feel comfortable being alone with him.
Does aunt Betsy always use racial slurs and give you the side eye when you refuse to laugh?
Use your words. If you aren't comfortable confronting the person -and it is not always safe to do so- find the one person you can talk to (grandma, your big brother, the baby-sitter), and USE YOUR WORDS.
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Don't try to do this alone. Find a Support System.
Growing up, my sister and I had a secret code we employed whenever we were visiting our father. It wasn't that he was a bad guy, don't misunderstand me, instead it was what prepubescent girls did to help one another survive those tricky years.
Our secret code? Brett Brett
If one of us said this to the other, it was to inform her that her bra strap was showing. As young girls, this was so very embarrassing to us when we were in the presence of our dad, and any male in general.
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Decide beforehand what you will and will not allow.
This is advice not only for the toxic person, but for every person in your life.
Is your friend kind, but forever needy?
Is your grandma lovely, but a constant complainer?
Does your neighbor talk your ear off when you are clearly trying to mow the lawn and keep an eye on your kiddos?
It serves all of us to decide what these people and situations call for.
When people are very needy, depressive, and chronic complainers, it is only a matter of time before you hear yourself pitching in with the crap-talk.
Offer what you feel comfortable with (a listening ear, perhaps) and leave it at that. Sometimes the needs of others can begin to feel like needs we need to meet. And, listen up, YOU ARE NOT MEANT TO MEET EVERY NEED OF EVERY PERSON ALL THE TIME! Decide what you can offer and do your best to translate that. (On the flip side, have an idea of how to say no...which we will talk about next.) An example: I am sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time. I can watch your kiddos this Tuesday for two hours, but it will just be this one time unless I come to you with more availability. (Note the emphasized bold.)
Send a text instead of a call so you can choose your words wiser.
Say hello to your neighbor (don't be rude!), and then, just as quickly as you say hello, say see you later! Hey Bob, good to see you. I'm going to get my lawn mowed. Have a great day. The key here, and this is vital, move in the direction of where you want to be. Don't linger. Don't ask, how are you? Don't keep looking at Bob. If Bob tries to interrupt your walking away, look directly at Bob and, pointing to where you are headed, remind him one last time, "Hey, I'm going to get this done". Then keep walking.
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Say No.
Whether this is out loud or in your head, say no and mean it.
No, I will not engage with someone who just wants to have a pissing contest.
No, I will not belittle myself to make you feel better.
No, I will not engage in your rotten behaviors.
In the example of the needy friend from above (or the person who takes advantage of you or doesn't know how to give you space), A great example of saying no can look like this: It would be nice to help you out more, but that is simply not something I can do. The need is too great and you will need to figure out some ways you can implement change knowing that I support you, but I cannot do [insert thing here].)
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When saying no is difficult, and depending on your personality and temperament, this can be downright close to impossible, remind yourself of Now You, and Later You. Will Later You be upset with Now You? Will you later replay this moment over and over desperately wishing you were more assertive, honest, and unapologetic? Will you begin to resent the person, place, or thing that you said anything other than "no" to?
I'm not one to brag, but I once told a pushy Sensei that my family was not returning, not interested in his discount, and that it was a hard pass for me on the "it's good for their self-esteem" spiel. I wasn't having it. In this case, I had premeditated my decline to our contract renewal, I had my reasons, I stuck to my guns, and -the catch!- the pushier he got, the more emboldened I felt!
Years later I still feel a sense of bad-assery when I think about me in that moment. Later Me was very proud of Then Me.
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One last thought, know your limits on time, energy, finances, and mental well-being. Similar to the previous point, if I know that someone or something is about to deplete me of any reserves I may have, I need to stick up for, protect, and guard myself. Bonus points if your reserves have reserves.
Mommy friends and I have commiserated over the fact that we sometimes put ourselves in time out because we just need some time alone.
Another running joke-non-joke is how lovely it feels to spend a weekend doing nothing. "How was your weekend? Do anything fun?" "Sure did. I did nothing, and it was great!" Gift yourself with some self-care which actually empowers and rejuvenates you- and guard it like a treasure!
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My family member is a fallen woman in a fallen world. Although I would love nothing more than to administer the equivalent of a verbal beat-down, I also know that she is unhealthy and it will accomplish nothing. Nothing good, in the least.
So I keep my mouth closed and remind myself not to roll my eyes. I try to afford her the same respect I would any sane person and I pray prayers which are bigger than "Lord, spite her!"
To be fair, there is likely someone out there to whom I am this thorn-in-the-side. Someone who would enjoy it a little too much to be present when I "get what's coming to me". My heart is really not to paint a poor image of her, nor a superior one of myself. It is to offer insight on dealing with toxicity and hopefully some empowerment as well.
For more ideas on dealing with toxic people, here is a video with some additional pointers. And -bonus!- Tracy is a gem!! She is the personification of who I imagine my family member to be like if she were healthy and whole.
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All the best in your journey: crazy encounters, difficult situations, and the perpetual eye rolls of your life.
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