Bookends

This summer has felt long. I'm most certainly not complaining, but with just about two weeks still remaining until school begins, it has felt incredibly refreshing and unlike any other summer I can remember. 
As with every summer, I am always scouting for activities my sons can participate in, which is how we have ended up in multiple Vacation Bible Schools, library programs, and camps over the years. In almost every town we have lived in, one such activity is the free movie our local theaters offer each week, typically movies already a few years old, but still fun to watch again- and on the big screen. 

Our summer began with a Despicable Me marathon, and we were there every time they played a movie. The children of McFive have always liked these films SO MUCH and I am smitten with Steve Carell, so everyone is happy. Funny thing, although we've seen the movies multiple times, I still wasn't prepared for the emotions which came over me during the first movie. (I'd issue a Spoiler Alert but who am I kidding? This movie is 12 years old- everyone, everywhere has seen this!)

In the last few minutes of the film, our despicable protagonist, Gru, is standing, arms wide open, waiting for Margo to jump into his arms and be rescued, just as her sisters, Edith and Agnes are about to do. Margo hesitates, unsure that she can trust the man who broke her little girl heart, the man who became a father-figure in one moment and turned his back on all three girls in another. 

Standing in one plane, Gru on another, the girls are told to jump.

"You gave us back," Margo cries, pulling Anges close. 

"I know, I know. And it is the worst mistake I ever made. Look, you have to jump now." Gru replies in his mixed-European accent.

"It will be okay," says Margo to her sisters, helping them closer before yelling for them to, "jump now!"

To everyone's delight, Gru has caught them both, leaving only Margo left on the other plane. 

Turning toward Margo, arms lifted high, Gru states matter-of-factly, "Margo, I will catch you and I will never let you go again," he adds, crossing his arms for a moment to exaggerate his point. 

Margo waits, unsure. She grips the plane tightly, she considers his change of heart, and with that, she leaps. 

And to this sentiment, Gru's confession of never again letting her go, I began to bawl.   

I couldn't explain why the tears came that day. I wasn't particularly emotional, nothing bad had happened, but I found myself stunned and a little embarrassed because the tears were real, and they were not stopping. This affected me and it was something to do with my core.

***

I began some work this summer of learning about trauma and core values. One of the most remarkable portions I heard was that, at every traumatic experience, regardless of the size, we re-evaluate four parts of our core self, specifically: What does this trauma say about me? What does this trauma say about the other person involved? What does this trauma say about the world at large? What does this trauma say about God? And from these four questions, we reconstruct our core beliefs. 

For the vast majority of my life, I have doubted I was lovable, and I have doubted I was beautiful. As a young girl, this affected me greatly because I was always gauging my worth on feelings of simultaneously needing to be more (it was not enough to just be myself), and already being too much ("back off, as you are too much to handle"). This wasn't necessarily spoken, but it became a core belief I held: I needed to impress to simply be wanted and I needed to be small because no one wanted to deal with the whole of me. This belief has followed me into adulthood. 

This is one of the main reasons why I am married to a wonderful man, and yet I find marriage difficult. 

This is why I have a difficult time opening up. 

This is why I landed in Behavorial Health inpatient treatment.

***

Summer vacation is near over and I feel this unresolved tension in the air. An event happened, spiraling these core beliefs of mine and words were said. Words of regret. Although I felt the Lord prompting me to make amends- and I did- the other party has not responded, and it makes my heart ache. 

I sometimes need to remind myself to keep breathing. 

I saw this experience as bookends- I think of the link between my beginning of summer weeping and my end-of-summer longing as streaming from the same source. And this is not a blame game, it is, however, some sort of closure. I am not shutting doors on people; I am shutting doors on false core beliefs. Somehow, I have to find worth in myself that tells me I am lovable- just for being me.  

And guess what? You are lovable just for being you, too.