gomommyblogger: Exposure:Baby Butts and Raw Emotions

I was having a bad day...and then that happened.

So...we are THOSE neighbors.
The ones who overflow their driveway with stuff.

And don't mow their grass on time.

And this can stress me out. And it does. Yesterday was a difficult day. Really. REALLY difficult. And those pictures above? Yeah, they could have set me off.
But they didn't.
Thankfully.

Yesterday was so difficult and today began difficult as well.
Head hurting, stomach aching, hands jittering, fatigued, and overwhelmed.
This was all going on simultaneously.

In reality, some of these symptoms began days ago. I had been carrying them that long. And I was exhausted. So was Big Strong Man, with whom I had it out with yesterday.
He received my wrath.
And he returned fire.
We can both have such poor attitudes.

So today started and I was still burnt-out so I kept the peace with the kids, allowing them to watch a bunch of Land Before Time and eat cheese sticks. Mostly, they were quite and content. Even the little guy, except when he was pulling at my hair, trying to wake me up and get me off of the couch.

The plan was to do nothing. Nada. Sloppy hair in sloppy ponytail. Sweats. I did not want to play with my boys. I had no interest in cars or balls.

Yesterday I heard a song on a mixed cd gifted to me by a friend years ago. The song sounded lovely, secular, love-hungry, lovely. I really liked it and was totally into it when an f-bomb was dropped and I quickly changed it. No f-bombs in our van, with our three little guys and their six little ears listening.
But this song, quickly there and quickly gone, left such an affect me.
IT AFFECTED ME.
Because for the immediate minutes afterward, my heart was racing. Like I experienced a drug. And I wanted so much to play it again. And again. The boys don't know any better. I told myself. I will not sing that part- or better yet, turn the volume down during that cuss word.
But it was more than the cursing.
It was the way it reminded me of life without promise. Without the hope I now have.

There was a time, even after I was saved, when I would drown myself in these emotional lyrics and somehow it fed this inner part of me.
This inner piece of me which is affected by the lyrics which tickle my ears and destroy my heart

It was a struggle between my spirit and my flesh.
My spirit won.
Thank GOD.

So I am writing this now because this amazing thing happened.

In my emotional, sickly funk, I logged onto Blogger and read some of the blogs I follow*. It took a moment, but I must have had begun to have a change take place within me, for the next thing I knew, my two older boys were calling to me from the next room where Thatcher was walking around without his diaper.
His little heiney...

As he was playing on the couch coushin, which was on the floor, the Velcro got stuck and he rolled off, leaving his diaper behind.
As I approached him, I noticed the shock on his face, heard the giggles of his brothers, and watched as he made a grab for his boys parts.
Like he knew he was exposed.

I picked up this precious baby boy and hugged him. Grabbing his diaper and placing him gently on the floor, I smiled at him and he at me and I suddenly felt this longing to love my family well again.
Like the last few hours were a spell which had finally been lifted.

In excitement, I urged my big kids to go pee and put on their shoes. We were going out, sloppy pony and all.

There is this movie, Anywhere But Here, and there is a line spoken by Susan Sarandon. Something along the lines of: My father always said, when you only have a dollar to your name, go get your shoes shined.

I thought of that today.