The Better Mom Devotional: Day 19; Disciplining with Love

How were you disciplined as a child?
If my average reader-friend (you!) is similar to me, than it is
likely that you are 30-something, female, mother/caregiver,
and maybe American. Did I get about ¾ correct?

Because of this similarity, I wonder if I can get another 50%
of you to agree with this: 

I was spanked. 

Now, this is not a debate on whether or not we should spank
our children, I already posted this hot-topic years ago and got
some decent feedback (you can read that here), but it is my
introduction to The Blue Meany. 

Yes, the childhood paddle of my upbringing had a name. 

When he was being creative, my father would have my siblings
and I live out our punishments by standing in a corner, no
leaning, nose facing, while we listened to Jeopardy in the back-
ground. If -and only if- we could answer a question correctly, we
could get out of the corner. We were in elementary school, so....

When he wasn’t feeling so creative, it was T.B.M. 

On a completely different take of discipline, when I google the
word it is overpopulated with clever statements of self-gain:

*Discipline equals Freedom

*Now, or Later?

*Stay Focused

We draw these quotes up with fancy charts and pictures of
athletes because they are supposed to remind us to
push more, do more, give more, be more.

And we can easily have that same expectation for our children-
often times our VERY YOUNG children:
held to the crux of a grown person.

So the term discipline needs to be

re-examined and fine-tuned

when we are dealing with

our children,

...and likely, ourselves.

In today’s devotion, Ruth writes about two forms of disciplining:
in anger and with guilt.  

The first is very easy for me.
I get upset, annoyed, overwhelmed, and out it comes -Like my
corduroy-wearing ninth grade World History teacher would say-
verbal diarrhea ALL. OVER. MY. CHILDREN. 

It is the, “get to your room” and the “walk away from me
RIGHT NOW”. 

But what about the outbursts and the meltdowns I have? 

Are these out of anger, or guilt? 

If my sons -or husband- can literally see my tears; If I lay prostrate
on the couch... or bed... or floor, and pretend like I am in my own
world (because I am not responding to anyone) but all the while I
have made my “own world” in your world (see me, look at me,
know that I am here), is my response still out of anger or has this
become guilt? 

And what of the other unhealthy forms of discipline, such as neglect,
verbal, physical, sexual, spiritual, and financial? What about a burden- some discipline? A discipline of failing to care? Failing to discipline at all?  

The Saturday Evening Post, 1933 cover

Ruth writes this well: 

The danger of disciplining with guilt  is that it is often rooted in anger.
Angry parents tend to address the children’s behavior and miss their
hearts. ...Making our kids feel guilty communicates that acceptance
and approval are based on their performance. (emphasis mine)

So is it possible that, instead of demanding they “walk far, far away
from me” when I am getting frustrated with a behavior,
maybe I should pull that kiddo closer? 

And perhaps, instead of inducing heaping amounts of “look how over- whelmed Mother is, lying there on the floor”, I should communicate
with words and not passive-aggressive behaviors? (And, PS, I don't
actually lie on the floor like this- but it makes for good storytelling, right?)

At the end of her devotions, Ruth writes out a prayer and today’s includes
a plea. She writes, 
Father, help me love my kids with compassion, patience, instruction,
and gentleness.

And I read this and get caught-up on the bit about instruction.

Because I wish I had

more to offer

my children.

What makes this devotional nice is that it reminds me that I am a work in progress, and, same as I sometimes need to discipline my children,
I need to discipline myself. Same as I need to learn how to do this with
grace and conviction, I need to learn to accept this for myself. 

This is not the discipline of "Suck it up, Nancy" or "Get 'Er Done", which
may work in the world of fitness and grit, but that of living a life with an
equal measure of both: grace and discipline.

What is your discipline style?
What aspects do you see room for improvement upon? 

I try not to spank my children, I have found this to hurt me more than
them (which is a true statement if ever I heard one). In light of this,
Big Strong Man and I are constantly trying to find more creative and
personalized forms of discipline for our sons.

What are some of your more creative -and helpful- disciplining techniques?
Please share below.

-gomommyblogger