Did you know that Willie Nelson wrote the song Crazy? As in, "Crazy, I'm crazy for feeling so lonely..." as in Patsy Cline...as in SONG OF MY CHILDHOOD.
While I chose Oasis and Bush, my mom preferred Patsy and Meatloaf- both of whose many albums I still have memorized to this day.
This Willie Nelson fact is made interesting because I learned it first from Loretta Lynn (of Coal Miner's Daughter, and best friends with Patsy, fame), in her new book, Me and Patsy Kickin' Up Dust: My Friendship With Patsy Cline, and then confirmed by Jessica Simpson in her book, Open Book.
Random, right? How they both mention that little tid-bit.
Well, the song is great- a true classic.
It makes sense that I would recall the words all these years later when, after listening to Loretta's audio book, I just knew I wanted my sons to know those songs as part of their childhoods as well, and I wasted no time YouTubing them. -Zeplin even sings Walkin' After Midnight with me already!!
But my lovely trip down memory lane ends here, as I sang three lines from Crazy over and over to myself yesterday when, after having a pissing fit in front of my children (during which I threw my cell phone repeatedly on the floor and across the living room while giving Big Strong Man the stink eye because -of course) and later after heaving on the staircase crying out to God "Why is all of this so freaking hard???", I found myself driving to the store for light bulbs so as to have something to offer my sons before bed: night lights which shine. They had been asking for days, and I needed to absolve myself, so I was crying, and singing, and driving, and mourning my sanity.
In that moment, I really felt like I was going looney.
Or Crazy.
I'm Crazy for trying.
And Crazy for crying.
And I'm Crazy for loving you.
Over and over and over again.
The thing is, I felt crazy. And I feel like I might be losing my mind.
It is the house we just moved into, the house two states and 10 hours away from where we lived just a week and a day ago. The house which has tell-tale signs of the previous owner's cats. The house which seems to swallow me up in its many needs: clean this, fix that, did I mention that nail hole in the wall to the owner or will she think I put it there and fine me?
The day before, it was while shopping for shoes. When Zeplin reached for a pair of shoes from Target which were *eh* I confessed to BSM that I was struggling really bad because they are generic and at what point do children realize this and form insecurities and will these fourth graders be the ones to inform him of what generic is in the first place?
I. Just. Couldn't.
We left Target and I had to console my sweet boy with hopes of finding a shoe he will like even more- one that I could breath without restraint to. (Which I found in a $54.99 paint-splattered Adidas shoe later.)
In this past month, there have been a handful of times I have felt entirely overwhelmed. This is no wonder since we decided to move on a hunch and a prayer and, in doing so, uprooted ourselves and our three sons, while trying to work on our marriage which always needs too much attention, and hoping to keep some semblance of sanity.
The tears were inevitable.
To all my friends and family wondering how our move to Hoosier-Land is, well, it is a lot like I left it 11 years ago. Back then, during my first year of marriage and first year of living in Indiana, I realized early that my marriage was in need of help, I worked a job I felt sucked the very breath out of me, and I went on anti-depressants for the first time in my life. I have been on them ever since.
When we left Indiana 10 years ago, I had exactly zero hesitancy, the state felt like a wet blanket to me- suffocating. And now we are here, again, and I am hoping for some kind of redemption in the midst of a nervous breakdown.
If a nervous breakdown can be had and ended in less than 24-hours.
Today I am better.
Today I recall the words of Jake Tyler (a paraphrase) I don't want to die, I just don't want to live like this. This is what mental health does, friends, it takes you there really quickly.
Bad hair day, what is this life?
Difficult life transition, why, God, why have You forsaken me?
Temporary loss of sanity, what's the use of living?
So, here I am, listening to Patsy, cleaning cat hair off of ev-er-y-thing, and reminding myself to breath.
I am being kind to myself.
Maybe you are also going through something. Maybe you are in a trying FREAKING TERRIBLE season of life and you just need to know that you are not alone.
Here it is, a reminder, you are MOST ASSUREDLY not alone.
To all of my friends with mental health issues, unforgiving areas of life, and more unkind words than nice ones to say to yourself: YOU ARE NOT ALONE. LET'S BE NOT ALONE TOGETHER.
If you have it, take the next 16 minutes and watch this.
If you don't have 16 minutes, watch this anyway.
Really watch it.
Miss you, girl! Thanks for telling it like it is.
ReplyDeleteHey there, thank YOU so much. Who is this? I bet I miss you, too! haha
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