I used to have a superhero power.
I mean it.
Today I went to the Speech, Language, and Hearing Health Science Building in B-town and discovered that my hearing was "normal". This is, of course, good news, but it miffs me a little as well.
...If my hearing is normal, and I know I used to hear better, than it is safe to say that my hearing was, at one time or another, better than normal. Like a superpower.
Demitri is always insisting that he can see things too far away to see.
"I can already see Target", he'll pronounce, when we are still seven blocks and three turns away.
When he first started this, I played along, insisting to his unbelieving brothers that, yeah, Demitri
sure can see the ocean- heck, we're only 34 miles away. But at some point I had to acknowledge that the kiddo wasn't laying this down. He continues, to this day, to insist -when it is convenient for
him- that he can see behind buildings and the very detail of that person... up there... walking his dog... at the red light... six cars ahead of us...in the rain.
During my freshman year in college, a peer insisted that her family was part of the CIA or something. I didn't know what that meant back then, and I am sketchy still, but the look on her face told me that she was serious about it.
"That tree, over there!" she would whisper, pointing, "one of my bodyguards is hiding in it". I would look, straining my eyes hoping to catch a glimpse.
I only ever half believed her, discerning that her proclamations were ridiculous, but we were in Bible college, so I figured calling her a liar was not something I should be quick to do.
Also this...
I realize that having a phony bodyguard isn't the same as a superpower,
but this memory keeps inserting itself into my prefrontal cortex,
so this felt as good a time as ever to share it with you.
You're welcome.
The eyes of Demitri and the ears of Self cannot be denied, however- These. Are. Special!
Sitting in the vault, double-lined doors, and two of them at that, I tried without success to read the lips of the woman helping me, Sarah. It didn;t help me one bit, the fact that she was wearing her surgical-grade blue mask. Sarah was pleasant and both a graduate student as well as a Professional Assistant to the Clinical Associate Professor and Au.D.
**insert pic of Dwight Schrute here**
She shook when she placed the ear plugs into my canals and I wanted to tell her that it was all going to be alright and that I would not bite her. I held my tongue, however, because Corona is still on the lose and I wondered if my comment could be seen as a threat. Besides, we were both wearing masks so the
looks of horror I would illicit if I reached anywhere near my face kept me in line.
Beep.
Bop.
Blah.
I raised my hand slightly with each three-part tone.
Yes, I can hear that.
More and more quiet each tone got, the deeper the tone the more difficult it seemed for me to hear.
"I am going to play a list for you", Sarah said. "It is a man's voice and he will ask you to repeat a word at the end of each sentence. Just repeat the word. Got it?"
Yes, I both spoke and nodded, unsure if she could hear me.
"Say the word, ping."
What? I thought. Pig? Ping? Pink?
"Ping", I guessed.
"Say the word, Keg."
What? Keg? This time I knew what I heard, it was just such an...odd choice.
"Keg", I repeated.
"Say the word, please."
Please. No please-d. Oh darn, which was it?
"Please", I guessed.
"Please", I guessed.
"Say the word gin."
Gin? WTHeck?
"Gin", I repeated.
"Gin", I repeated.
Finally it was over.
"Congrats, you're hearing is just fine. Very normal- you can hear well."
Everyone in the room smiled. Sarah smiled. I smiled, too. The fleeting thought of the rose gold colored hearing aids I was envisioning for myself already leaving me.
"I can hear- fine?" I repeated, asking with my inflated used of the last word, a Schuylkill County trick I inherited.
"Yes, you can hear as well as everyone else."
I understood that the sentiment was that I could hear well, but the unspoken truth was that, although I could hear fine-enough, and like most other people, I was doing a lot of squinting-to-hear, and the ever-so-remarkable turning of my neck so that my ear is facing towards the sound of the noise in order to better help me hear.
All of my body was helping me to hear and yet it wasn't what it once was for me.
I made this appointment because my hearing is not now what it once was- only to be told that my hearing was normal.
It took me only a second, that first thought fluttering through my mind asking questions like, so does everybody do all that jazz with their eyes and neck just to hear?
and on the second second I realized- Hot Dawg! My hearing used to be above normal- I Had Superpowers!
Not wanting to brag to the doctor of audiology and her interns, I focused instead on the man.
"That man on the machine...he was interesting." I started. "Talked a lot about booze. Didn't enunciate well and left his endings conveniently off of the ends of the words I was supposed to repeat."
The women all laughed, either having had heard this a million times, or wondering why it was that no one had ever before put those connections together.
She's so smart and clever, I imagined them saying as I walked down the hall. And her hearing, she hears just So. Fine.
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