Regrets (An apology to My German Family.)

There was a recent post on my Facebook site which asked me what one of my biggest regrets is.

WOW. 

If you stop and ponder this question, my guess is that you, and I, and everyone else, can think of a few whoppers. 

...relationships...careers...education...finances...the list goes on and on. 

There is one really big regret I have. 

Perhaps others, but one I thought of almost immediately and knew without a shadow of doubt was my "one big regret". 

My biggest. 

re·gret  

/rəˈɡret/

**********

In order to understand my dilemma, let's go back to 2000 together. 

Here, I get on my knees in the privacy of my bedroom and pray, and beg, and cry. 

God, please let me hear You. 

I want to do Your will.

If this is your will -college- please show me.

Direct me.

Provide for me.

With terrible grades, no money for enrollment, and no transportation to drive the six hours it would take to get to this college, I knew I could not do it without God. 

And then I heard it. 

No, it was not audible.

I didn't necessarily even hear it with my ears, but rather, my heart.

I was going to go, in a year's time, and I was going to be there only one year.

Alright Lord, sounds great...and thank You!

**********

2001

I graduate from high school and begin work at Boscov's department store: athletic shoe wear and young men's departments.

My father surprises me with a gray Firebird which my grandmother picked out for me.

She was proud that I was going to make something of myself.

**********

2002

I arrive at L.I.F.E. East Bible College in Christiansburg, VA. My intention- and I tell everyone- is that I will be here only for this one year. 

This is what God, 

Who provided me with a car, 

got me enrolled,

provided financially,

and paved a way for me to enjoy learning, 

said I would do.

**********

2003

L.I.F.E. East Bible College closes. 

Yes, just like that.

For those of us interested, we are given means to attend or sister-school, LIFE Pacific, in San Dimas, CA.

For me, outside of the wide-eyed amazement living in CA would bring, I knew... that I knew... THAT I KNEW, I had heard God. 

I COULD NOT RETURN TO L.I.F.E. EAST BIBLE COLLEGE IF I WANTED TO!

THE SCHOOL CLOSED!!!!

**********

2004 

I switch to part time student at LIFE Pacific and move into the LA Dream Center, Echo Park, LA. 

After the Spring semester, I officially become a Bible College dropout. 

haha

**********

2005

With overwhelming grief and a heavy heart, I say good-bye to the DCTD, Dream Center Teen Discipleship. 

My sister flies out to CA to meet with me and together we drive cross-country back to PA. 

I had been applying to different families in search of an Au-pair in Germany and have it down to three families. 

One calls me on a hot, summer day.
I am at the public pool and answer my cell phone. 

There is a baby crying and a frantic mother asking me in her best English if I would come, be their Au-pair. 

It is another family whom I chose, and, thankfully, they chose me as well. 

Flying to Germany was surprisingly relaxing.

**********

2006

The newness of an Au-pair is quickly fading. 

The older girl, 11, is distant from me and I try to get in good with her. 

My insecurities tell me that she is too cool for me. 

We both know it.

The month prior, for Christmas, we drove down to Austria and skied in the Alps- I know this sounds phony. 

It is not.

Upon arriving, I get out of the van and toss a snowball to her, the 11 year old. 

Although she wanted to play, she did not want to play with me.

The snowball hits her where her skin is exposed and she promptly freezes. 

And cries.

And I stand there, like an overgrown child, whispering, "you wanted to play".

It is late winter, early 2006 and the mother and I no longer get on. 

We had hit it off immediately, sharing a mutual interest in coffee, scrapbooking, and Desperate Housewives. 

I like to think we were fast friends, and that felt wonderful.

But no more.

As time went on, however, a bitterness grew inside of me.

For all those years prior of being in a "Bible bubble", I had the security of encouragement, accountability, and drive- all for the name of Jesus. 

Being in Germany, with no Christian friends, no Christian accountability, no Christian drive, I began sinking. 

It was the American girl in my language school who said she was a Christian but had no walk. 

The native boy I fell fast and hard for who, upon meeting me, asked if I was a virgin like the song we were dancing to (Madonna's, "like a virgin"), and went on to tell me that all Americans were obese cowboys.

It was how the family I was living with began feeling more like the family I was a slave to. 

It was how I had previously trained for the LA marathon (which is a story for another time), but eating all the fresh rolls which arrived at our door every morning was not keeping my weight where I liked it. 

It was how it began snowing about the month after I arrived and didn't stop the entire time. 

It was how I felt so very far from God and took this out on my heart. 

I began making myself throw-up. 

A lot. 

At home. At school. In the church's bathroom at Westminster Abby. (Yes, I was gifted a long weekend in England.)

It was how I felt like a fake and a phony. 

Like I was shaming God.

Giving Him a bad name. 

Where was my hope?

My confidence?
The Fruits of the Spirit in me?

Everything seemed so far away.

And there I was, living abroad with a family who had claimed to be Christians on their applications
but, like the American girl in my German-language school, Volkeshoche Schule, Bad Doberan, they were not Christians with a walk. 

Perhaps better to have no walk than to have a walk which looks starkly contrast to one's preaching. 

I like to think it happened innocently. 

There was, for instance, no moment during which I decided to walk away from Christ. 

I don't think I was mad at Him. 

But I was hurt. 

All those years of Christian education and ministry, and I lost control of myself.

Disagreements over the Proverbs 31 woman...

saving one's self for marriage...

and an eventful fright before England.

I tried to hear Him. 

Tried to be obedient to Him...but it may have been difficult to hear His still, small, voice over the sounds of all the toilets flushing away my hatred. 

Tears streaming down my face, finger ready, gag. 

Although the boy came round, and my American friend told him that I liked him and he took me out on a few dates, he wasn't going to fix me. 

I knew this.

After chasing him around like a lost puppy for months, hoping he would notice me, he did, and it felt exhilarating...and empty.

The mother and I disagreed on a lot. 

The way I packed the younger, four years old, girl's lunch.

The father called me stupid once. I knew he was upset and remorseful, but I also felt it was welling up in him and could not help but come forth. 

It was time for me to leave. 

In tears, and through a conversation entirely in German, we disgusted how everything was going wrong and I decided I just wanted to be home. 

They did not fight me.

When the time came, one week later, I wrote the girls each a little letter and placed one of my tee shirts on each of their pillows. I was very hopeful that they would remember me- the good times we shared. 

The mom drove me to the train station, from which I would be picked-up by another family for the night and then taken to the airport the following morning. 

She said good bye and hugged me. Then she turned and walked away. 

I don't think she turned around once. 

In contrast, and for all the pain I felt leading up to that moment, I watched her walk away until she was out of sight. 

Like a sunset I din't want to end. 

It felt so real. 

So sad.

**********

My biggest regret is not leaving Germany early. 

It is not that the family and I didn't get along as well as I had hoped. 

It is that I believed -and still sometimes do- that I disappointed God.

In my heart of hearts, I wish that time was different. 

That the family I stayed with -and they were lovely when we got on- would have seen Him in me. 

That they would love Him. 

And maybe they will. 

...maybe they do.

Maybe, regardless of me, they can see that He is good.

Inga, Stefan, Billy, Joyce, und Joann, es tut mir leid.
I bete Ihnen mir Vergeben.
Ich werde Ihnen immer Lieben.