Moore Than a Baby

Moore Than a Baby
The initial emotion to run trough my mind when I first saw the double lines appear was excitement. Pure joy.
The very nono-second after, the thought was coupled with fear. Complete and utter terror.
Welcome to parenthood.

I was alone in our cabin when I took the tests. Big Strong Man was away for the weekend visiting friends and I chose to stay home with plans of my own.
My body told me that something was different.
For days, I waited for an explanation of some sort.
With B.S.M. away, I could test my theory in privacy.
One test, two tests.
Three and four.
Each had two lines. Each, the same conclusion.
My theory brought to life.

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Recently, McFive (Thatcher still in utero), went to visit family in Pennsylvania. While visiting with my father and stepmother, babies came into the conversation.
I am practically (and happily!) a whale, so that conversation evolved easily.

You know, my dad seemed shocked -truly shocked- when I explained to him that each one of the children Big Strong Man and I have had been planned.
Not one arrived the moment we first though we were ready, but soon after.
Big Strong Man and I had the "are we ready?" conversation many times, and when we both were on the same page, we planned. We tried to grow our family.

The reality of my father's shocked reaction got me to thinking. I couldn't seem to let it just fade away into the air.
I know not everyone can say, "we agreed, we planned, it happened", just like that, I also know that not everyone can say that "we planned (anything)". Period.

So I looked back over the lives of family members and realized an interesting fact:
My parents where very young when they had their first child, my brother. My mother was only 17!
I came along 11 months later, and my sister, 11 months after that.
Although both of my parents wanted children, marriage and three children was not quite what my mother expected to be said of her the year her class graduated high school.

I have two biological siblings and three step-siblings.
Two of my siblings got pregnant prior to their wedding days. 
My stepmother had my stepbrother and has never been married.
(She is still like a mom to me, regardless of the logistics.)

Please know my heart is not to judge.
It's not.
My observation was that, not one of these babies mentioned above was "planned for", each just "happened".
No wonder my father was shocked.

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The last few months I have been in communication with a friend I met when I first moved to North Carolina, five years ago. We met at the church we attended. 
She was single at the time and cared way more for politics than I, so our common ground was limited.

When the church hosted a baby shower for baby Zeplin and I, she attended and gave us one of our favorite gifts-  a plastic, children's, dinner set with the Indianapolis Colts emblem all over it.
-Big Strong Man was beyond thrilled!!!
(And we still really enjoy it! In order to keep it in good shape, we have decided that it is a special birthday place setting only. Whoever has a birthday, gets to enjoy the special cup, bowl, and plate- even us adults!) 
To say that I was surprised (that she attended), and that she chose something so personal (and appreciated), would be an understatement.
It was really thoughtful.  

Flash-forward to the last few months and she is now living in another state, married, and pregnant! Whoa, life moves!!
Being her first child, she had about a hundred questions, every day, and we ended-up becoming pretty close over the phone.
It has been an exciting journey of shared baby-firsts and food cravings.

On February seventh, 2015, her sweet baby Allan was born. That same day, he went home to be with his Heavenly Father.

Matthew 2:18

“A voice is heard in Ramah, weeping and great mourning,
Rachel weeping for her children and refusing to be comforted,
because they are no more."(NIV)

She is crying.
Why, God, why?
She is crying.

I referenced to her this passage of Scripture.
I offered her words of encouragement, hopeful words of healing.
The truth is, only God knows the reasons, only He knows the path of healing.


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Another friend, praying through-and-through for her **miracle baby**.
She and her husband, waiting years for God 's plan to line-up with theirs.
Waiting on Him.

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And what can be said? What can be expressed?
My parents would say that having us three children was the best thing that has ever happened to them.
My stepmother would say the same about our stepbrother.
My siblings, the same about their mini-me's.

Was it in anyone's timing?
Anyone besides God, who is the Author and Finisher of our faith? Of our lives?

Big Strong Man and I hoped for and planned, but it was God who blessed the plans, blessed the hope and said, "let it be".  

I read,  "Faith is something we live out until death.". And, "You, God, are faithful to the end, and in my desire to be more like You, I choose to stand faithful to the end.".
And I know that there is life in these words.

For those still in the waiting and for those in the mourning, I read, "I have learned to separate God's character from the circumstances around me.", and am encouraged for everyone in these times as we are given the option to, "choose to hope for that day when God turns my weeping into laughter...". *

God is our focus. Everyday I am thankful for two (and soon to be three!) little men who wake me up long before I would like to crawl out of bed. These Littles aren't promises, however. Each and every day with them is a gift. I know this.
My hope is that it can be said of me that I loved God to the end. That I stood faithful to the end. 

What is your baby?
The desire of your heart yet to be fulfilled?
Or perhaps, the object of your life onto which there was so much hope, so much love, and which has been taken away from you?

Friends, I am praying for you. For you and your "baby".
As I remember, I pray. -

*Book quotes from: When Infertility Books are not Enough: Embracing Hope During Infertility, Betsy Herman