...Pierce's Park, to be exact.
While there, Big Strong Man, the boys, and I met many people, mostly parents with children. One parent offered our children a snack, to which I thanked the parent but said no, stating that my boys first needed to eat their dinner. A polite way of saying, no thank you, not only does my child not need that right now, but I don;t know you and I don;t want your snack. The parent, a father with a gorgeous accent, insisted we take the snack, chocolate sticks -still in their original, unopened wrapper, and with a little hesitancy, I agreed.
This, of course, begs to question: did I make a wise choice?
What did my boys learn from this interaction?
Did they learn that, if they have already eaten their dinner, that it would have been acceptable to take the snack?
Was there any connection between the fact that this was an UNOPENED package?
That this one PARENT asking another PARENT, and not just some random person asking my child?
Because my hope is that they would have noticed a few key points here:
It was a STRANGER offering the food.
It was also a FATHER and he was offering it to his children as well.
It was up to the parent(s) to decide- not the children.
I -the parent- proceeded with caution.
Naturally, the very best thing I can do -and should have done asap- is talk with my sons about it.
Explaining things and reminding them as well...
...we do not accept things from strangers.
...only the mommys and daddys need to interact with the other mommys and daddys.
Someone else's parent does not need to interact with my child.
...that mommy and daddy check over the snack before giving it to our children. - We didn't just give it, willy-nilly.
I think, ultimately, we failed that test.
And it isn't for lack of heart, but for lack of follow-through.
WHAT did we teach our sons?
When I was first pregnant with Thatcher, I had my two older sons (then, ages 2 and 4) at the park. BECAUSE I WAS DISTRACTED with popsicles, I didn't even notice that Zeplin, 4, had followed some random woman who had walked by with a dog. He was about to follow her right into the woods on a path and she was either completely oblivious or had foul intentions, as she never so much as made a peep to him or I.
I was, of course, furious with HER.
Why, after all, would she not have told him to return to his mom?
If he continued to follow her, why didn't she walk back to the park?
If he wouldn't listen, why didn't she yell out "some mom needs to come get her kid"!!
The truth is this: it was never her place.
Her help would have been nice, but should not have been assumed.
I was distracted.
I wasn't paying attention.
It was a sickening feeling.
In ADDITION to the snack, we had a stranger begin taking photos of the children -including OUR CHILDREN- at the park.
He came up and began to take photos.
He smiled like he belonged there.
He noted how cute the children were.
But when I followed his camera lens, it was MY CHILDREN he was taking pictures of.
MINE!!!
SnapShot
In that moment, a million thoughts went through my head- not the least of which included, WHAT THE HECK!!!??? and STOP!!!
After I caught myself, I politely, but sternly, told him that those children he was taking pictures of were mine and I did not want him to take their pictures any longer.
My heart was racing.
I could tell I caught him off-guard.
But still.
Sir, I don't know you, and those children you are taking pictures of, they are mine.
I don't want you to take their pictures.
I don't know you from Adam.
And although I want to trust for the best, I have no idea what your intentions are.
He offered no apology.
He did not try to defend himself. Do you know what he did?
He walked away.
Something about his dismissal of it all made me fiery- it made any awkwardness suddenly feel adamant.
It gave me what I needed to feel adamant about calling him out.
**and hear me here: do NOT take photos of children who are not yours. Even if you know them. Even if your kids are in the shots as well. There will be exclusions (class pictures, for instance), but as a good rule, just don't photograph another person's children.
It's creepy. **
Once this went down, and I checked to make certain each of my children was alright, I went directly to BSM.
Did you see that? I asked, referring to my communicating with the man.
Better, he replied, I heard it.
In truth, I wanted to scream at my BSM because, well, If you heard it, why the heck didn't you do something about it?????
He said that he thought I had it under control.
...And the guy left.
What more could he have done?
I have learned that it is better to err on the side of protecting my children.
While there, Big Strong Man, the boys, and I met many people, mostly parents with children. One parent offered our children a snack, to which I thanked the parent but said no, stating that my boys first needed to eat their dinner. A polite way of saying, no thank you, not only does my child not need that right now, but I don;t know you and I don;t want your snack. The parent, a father with a gorgeous accent, insisted we take the snack, chocolate sticks -still in their original, unopened wrapper, and with a little hesitancy, I agreed.
This, of course, begs to question: did I make a wise choice?
What did my boys learn from this interaction?
Did they learn that, if they have already eaten their dinner, that it would have been acceptable to take the snack?
Was there any connection between the fact that this was an UNOPENED package?
That this one PARENT asking another PARENT, and not just some random person asking my child?
Because my hope is that they would have noticed a few key points here:
It was a STRANGER offering the food.
It was also a FATHER and he was offering it to his children as well.
It was up to the parent(s) to decide- not the children.
I -the parent- proceeded with caution.
Naturally, the very best thing I can do -and should have done asap- is talk with my sons about it.
Explaining things and reminding them as well...
...we do not accept things from strangers.
...only the mommys and daddys need to interact with the other mommys and daddys.
Someone else's parent does not need to interact with my child.
...that mommy and daddy check over the snack before giving it to our children. - We didn't just give it, willy-nilly.
I think, ultimately, we failed that test.
And it isn't for lack of heart, but for lack of follow-through.
WHAT did we teach our sons?
When I was first pregnant with Thatcher, I had my two older sons (then, ages 2 and 4) at the park. BECAUSE I WAS DISTRACTED with popsicles, I didn't even notice that Zeplin, 4, had followed some random woman who had walked by with a dog. He was about to follow her right into the woods on a path and she was either completely oblivious or had foul intentions, as she never so much as made a peep to him or I.
I was, of course, furious with HER.
Why, after all, would she not have told him to return to his mom?
If he continued to follow her, why didn't she walk back to the park?
If he wouldn't listen, why didn't she yell out "some mom needs to come get her kid"!!
The truth is this: it was never her place.
Her help would have been nice, but should not have been assumed.
I was distracted.
I wasn't paying attention.
It was a sickening feeling.
In ADDITION to the snack, we had a stranger begin taking photos of the children -including OUR CHILDREN- at the park.
He came up and began to take photos.
He smiled like he belonged there.
He noted how cute the children were.
But when I followed his camera lens, it was MY CHILDREN he was taking pictures of.
MINE!!!
In that moment, a million thoughts went through my head- not the least of which included, WHAT THE HECK!!!??? and STOP!!!
After I caught myself, I politely, but sternly, told him that those children he was taking pictures of were mine and I did not want him to take their pictures any longer.
I WISH I WOULD HAVE TOLD HIM TO DELETE THEM THEN AND THERE.
My heart was racing.
I could tell I caught him off-guard.
But still.
Sir, I don't know you, and those children you are taking pictures of, they are mine.
I don't want you to take their pictures.
I don't know you from Adam.
And although I want to trust for the best, I have no idea what your intentions are.
He offered no apology.
He did not try to defend himself. Do you know what he did?
He walked away.
Something about his dismissal of it all made me fiery- it made any awkwardness suddenly feel adamant.
Why should I feel awkward when you are the one in the wrong?
It gave me what I needed to feel adamant about calling him out.
**and hear me here: do NOT take photos of children who are not yours. Even if you know them. Even if your kids are in the shots as well. There will be exclusions (class pictures, for instance), but as a good rule, just don't photograph another person's children.
It's creepy. **
Once this went down, and I checked to make certain each of my children was alright, I went directly to BSM.
Did you see that? I asked, referring to my communicating with the man.
Better, he replied, I heard it.
In truth, I wanted to scream at my BSM because, well, If you heard it, why the heck didn't you do something about it?????
He said that he thought I had it under control.
...And the guy left.
What more could he have done?
Well, I could have thought of five things easily, but this post isn't about husband-bashing.
Because of these events, it made me adamant about wanting to raise awareness about these instances.
I want to believe that people are really good, but the truth is, NOT EVERYONE IS.
As parents, it is our responsibility to take the lead so our children can follow; to stand up to possible attacks and protect our children in the process; to make the mistakes so they do not have to. -I would have MUCH PREFERRED that the man be the parent of a child I didn't see in the back and he explain to me that he was actually not taking photos of my children at all. I would have preferred that he thought I was a loony helicopter-mom. (And, p.s., I am a little helicoptor-momish, and I don't think that's crazy at all.)
I could have apologized with red cheeks and still been a Momma Bear.
He would have known not to mess with my children, and I would have known his intentions.
These instances are not uncommon.
Thankfully, my children were safe, but what about those who are not?
What makes a child more susceptible?
What makes a child more susceptible?
One answer, a huge one, is parents who are not involved, engaged, or who are overwhelmed.
Think:
grocery store with many children;
the park where one child is playing on the swing set 15 feet away while the momma nurses the baby on a bench;
children alone- anywhere.
If there is no parent, or a parent who is doing too much,
the chances of attacks are more common.
This can come across as help- so keep your eyes wide open!
When Zeplin was first born, I was pushing him in a cart toward Wal-Mart when a woman I had never seen before came up and took the cart from me with him in it!!
I grabbed it back but demanded to know what she was doing.
My heart racing, I practically screamed at her.
I grabbed it back but demanded to know what she was doing.
My heart racing, I practically screamed at her.
She said I looked like I could use the help.
Yikes.
Do I know if the woman's intentions were bad? No.
Do I appreciate her way of "helping"? Heck no.
And what I really should have done is report her to the Wal-Mart security.
I have learned that it is better to err on the side of protecting my children.
It was alright for her to think I was an unappreciative, stressed-out momma who denied her the "gift" of helping.
It was NOT ALRIGHT for her to think she could come up and take my child!
So all of this happens and in the midst I read this article on "tricky people" and think it is absolutely brilliant. (I included this particular link because it also has news clips from experiments done with children walking alone and children letting people in their homes when the parents are not home- all worth watching.)
As an experiment, I asked my four-year-old to watch the video with me and I paused it prior to the boy opening the door to a stranger.
Should he open the door? I asked.
Should he let that man in?
His answer (yes...) reminded me that this is too important to dismiss for another day.
I need to remind my children TODAY that they do not open doors for anyone;
That they do not go with people they do not know;
That they are children, and adults DO NOT need help from children;
That if they are not sure about a situation, to SCREAM, to RUN, to find a parent.
That they don't ever have to be polite when they are frightened.
Pattie Fitzgerald is the founder of "Safely Ever After" and it is her explanation of
"tricky people" vs. "stranger danger" which caught my interest.
This makes sense.
If my child is lost...if we are at a park...a beach...a store, and we (my child and I) cannot see one another, what actions do we take?
*I can yell my child's name, but does my child know mine? "Mom" isn't exactly helpful.
*I can write my phone number on his shoes, shirt, on a sticker on his arm, etc., but if he doesn't understand, or if he is near a predator who has no interest in making contact through phone calls, what good does this do? **This IS still a good idea, as it is more likely than not that someone will see the number on a lost child and call for help. This is not a fool-proof idea, however.
*If all I have taught my child is "stranger danger" my child suddenly feels that he has NO ONE to help him. Instead, if he is told to look for someone in a uniform (store uniform, police uniform, etc.), or a parent with other children- most specifically, another mom, now he has options for help.
Ideally, this would mean that my child understand the difference between an "after-hours McDonald's uniform" (i.e. this can be anyone) and a "we-are-at-Target-this-is-what-a-Target-uniform-looks-like" (i.e. this person is WORKING here, is SUPPOSED to be here, and has RESOURCES to help).
Also, looking for parents can be tricky, because there are parents everywhere, so which parent is the most approachable? (The safest bet.)
...The nice ones.
...The ones who are interacting with their children.
...The ones who are involved.
...The ones who appear to have a child near to your child's age.
...The ones who are where your child thinks you will be. (i.e., Does my son know that I would not have left Target and gone to Hobby Lobby without him, thus, he is better off to remain in Target until we are reunited.)
...The ones who don't already seem overwhelmed to begin with.
This is different than, say,
...the parent loading up her minivan.
...the parent freaking out in hysterics over her child.
...The parent who is busy playing Candy Crush while her little one is off playing.
The truth is, even uniformed parents can be predators- but they are our children's best choice. ...makes you want to tie your child to your arm forever, doesn't it?
Other options our children should be aware of include:
...knowing not to go with another parent anywhere;
...how to use a phone (and what an emergency number -i.e. YOUR NUMBER- is!)
...which state he/she live in;
...that NO ONE has the right to touch them and make them uncomfortable;
...first name of parent(s).
...USE THE LADIES BATHROOM -even boys. I think any child under 10 should use the ladies bathroom with his/her mom, but what about after that age? Although the women may not like it, I have ZERO DOUBT that someone will ask why the child is there (if the child is a boy) and help the child find his parents. This is helpful for young boys of ALL ages. i.e. tell your 14-year-old son to use the ladies restroom!!!This is less obvious for a lost girl, as she is supposed to be there.
Do you tell your child that you wish he had not been born?
Do you threaten to take your child to the orphanage? (Don't laugh- this is a real example!)
Do you tell your child that she is worthless?
If any of these is a yes (or a "yes" to a myriad of other examples), what, then, motivates your child to return to you for safety?
Your child MUST KNOW that your love for him/her is deep and unconditional.
Your child must be able to trust you.
Likewise, as parents, we must establish boundaries within our parental walls which enable us to trust our children. We can give our children opportunities to sink or swim in the safety of our own houses.
Good examples of these include chores, and other responsibilities at home where the process can be monitored.
If a child is always looking for excuses not to do something he/she is supposed to do, i.e. make the bed, make an effort to talk with your child sooner than later and find out what is going on.
It may be as simple as, "it is boring" or as complicated as "I didn't think you really cared if I made my bed and I didn't care if you didn't care...".
Another example being:
Do our children know not to answer the door?
What if mom is in the shower and dad is at work but the person at the door is the neighbor- someone the child "knows"? (And "knows" can vary greatly.)
What if it is the police?
What if it is a friend with his/her parent?
Given the abundance of different situations, our children can feel that some times are appropriate and other times are not. If we don't talk with them through different examples -and what our expectations for safety are- how are they to know what to do?
The point being, we are our children's advocates. It is our duty to find out what triggers them and allow this to help us teach them how to protect themselves.
Other great examples of establishing safety include:
Establishing a "safe place" in the event that there is a separation.
...the Subway in Walmart,
...the fountain in the playground,
...the lifeguard's bench.
Likely without writing, this should NOT INCLUDE:
...the bathrooms,
...outside,
...at our car.
I also have made a point out of checking the "NO" box on boxes for any event with which my children are involved. The "No" box is the "NO PICTURES ALLOWED" box. In most cases, I do not know these people, and I do not want my children to be victims. This can be anywhere from VBS (Vacation Bible School) to advertisements for community programs. (And, p.s. I stay with my children at VBS and every other event they are part of. Call it helicopter-parenting if you insist, but I know that if my presence is seen and felt, my children are safer.)
Can you imagine a child being lost and DOUBTING the love of his/her parent??
Will someone come for me?
Does my parent care that I am missing?
Make certain that your child has NO DOUBT that you care, you are searching for him/her, and you will do whatever it takes to find/protect your child.
What other rules have you established to help protect your child?
How often do you remind your child of your love for him?
How often do you do safety reminders?
Have you ever experienced anything along these lines, and if so, what was the outcome?
As an experiment, I asked my four-year-old to watch the video with me and I paused it prior to the boy opening the door to a stranger.
Should he open the door? I asked.
Should he let that man in?
His answer (yes...) reminded me that this is too important to dismiss for another day.
I need to remind my children TODAY that they do not open doors for anyone;
That they do not go with people they do not know;
That they are children, and adults DO NOT need help from children;
That if they are not sure about a situation, to SCREAM, to RUN, to find a parent.
That they don't ever have to be polite when they are frightened.
Pattie Fitzgerald is the founder of "Safely Ever After" and it is her explanation of
"tricky people" vs. "stranger danger" which caught my interest.
This makes sense.
If my child is lost...if we are at a park...a beach...a store, and we (my child and I) cannot see one another, what actions do we take?
*I can yell my child's name, but does my child know mine? "Mom" isn't exactly helpful.
*I can write my phone number on his shoes, shirt, on a sticker on his arm, etc., but if he doesn't understand, or if he is near a predator who has no interest in making contact through phone calls, what good does this do? **This IS still a good idea, as it is more likely than not that someone will see the number on a lost child and call for help. This is not a fool-proof idea, however.
*If all I have taught my child is "stranger danger" my child suddenly feels that he has NO ONE to help him. Instead, if he is told to look for someone in a uniform (store uniform, police uniform, etc.), or a parent with other children- most specifically, another mom, now he has options for help.
Ideally, this would mean that my child understand the difference between an "after-hours McDonald's uniform" (i.e. this can be anyone) and a "we-are-at-Target-this-is-what-a-Target-uniform-looks-like" (i.e. this person is WORKING here, is SUPPOSED to be here, and has RESOURCES to help).
Also, looking for parents can be tricky, because there are parents everywhere, so which parent is the most approachable? (The safest bet.)
...The nice ones.
...The ones who are interacting with their children.
...The ones who are involved.
...The ones who appear to have a child near to your child's age.
...The ones who are where your child thinks you will be. (i.e., Does my son know that I would not have left Target and gone to Hobby Lobby without him, thus, he is better off to remain in Target until we are reunited.)
...The ones who don't already seem overwhelmed to begin with.
This is different than, say,
...the parent loading up her minivan.
...the parent freaking out in hysterics over her child.
...The parent who is busy playing Candy Crush while her little one is off playing.
The truth is, even uniformed parents can be predators- but they are our children's best choice. ...makes you want to tie your child to your arm forever, doesn't it?
Other options our children should be aware of include:
...knowing not to go with another parent anywhere;
...how to use a phone (and what an emergency number -i.e. YOUR NUMBER- is!)
...which state he/she live in;
...that NO ONE has the right to touch them and make them uncomfortable;
...first name of parent(s).
...USE THE LADIES BATHROOM -even boys. I think any child under 10 should use the ladies bathroom with his/her mom, but what about after that age? Although the women may not like it, I have ZERO DOUBT that someone will ask why the child is there (if the child is a boy) and help the child find his parents. This is helpful for young boys of ALL ages. i.e. tell your 14-year-old son to use the ladies restroom!!!This is less obvious for a lost girl, as she is supposed to be there.
Another thought: responding to parents. It is UNACCEPTABLE for a child to ignore a parent. Not only is it rude, but not knowing where a child is/if a child is alright is one of the scariest things a parent can feel. Children must know not to hide from, ignore, or otherwise over-embellish with, their parents.
The first two are obvious, but what is that third point, exactly?
It is this: knowing that you can trust your child and
that your child can trust you.
Do you tell your child that you wish he had not been born?
Do you threaten to take your child to the orphanage? (Don't laugh- this is a real example!)
Do you tell your child that she is worthless?
If any of these is a yes (or a "yes" to a myriad of other examples), what, then, motivates your child to return to you for safety?
Your child MUST KNOW that your love for him/her is deep and unconditional.
Your child must be able to trust you.
Likewise, as parents, we must establish boundaries within our parental walls which enable us to trust our children. We can give our children opportunities to sink or swim in the safety of our own houses.
Good examples of these include chores, and other responsibilities at home where the process can be monitored.
If a child is always looking for excuses not to do something he/she is supposed to do, i.e. make the bed, make an effort to talk with your child sooner than later and find out what is going on.
It may be as simple as, "it is boring" or as complicated as "I didn't think you really cared if I made my bed and I didn't care if you didn't care...".
Another example being:
Do our children know not to answer the door?
What if mom is in the shower and dad is at work but the person at the door is the neighbor- someone the child "knows"? (And "knows" can vary greatly.)
What if it is the police?
What if it is a friend with his/her parent?
Given the abundance of different situations, our children can feel that some times are appropriate and other times are not. If we don't talk with them through different examples -and what our expectations for safety are- how are they to know what to do?
The point being, we are our children's advocates. It is our duty to find out what triggers them and allow this to help us teach them how to protect themselves.
Other great examples of establishing safety include:
Establishing a "safe place" in the event that there is a separation.
...the Subway in Walmart,
...the fountain in the playground,
...the lifeguard's bench.
Likely without writing, this should NOT INCLUDE:
...the bathrooms,
...outside,
...at our car.
I also have made a point out of checking the "NO" box on boxes for any event with which my children are involved. The "No" box is the "NO PICTURES ALLOWED" box. In most cases, I do not know these people, and I do not want my children to be victims. This can be anywhere from VBS (Vacation Bible School) to advertisements for community programs. (And, p.s. I stay with my children at VBS and every other event they are part of. Call it helicopter-parenting if you insist, but I know that if my presence is seen and felt, my children are safer.)
Reminding our children often that we love them and only want to protect them is
so important here.
Will someone come for me?
Does my parent care that I am missing?
Make certain that your child has NO DOUBT that you care, you are searching for him/her, and you will do whatever it takes to find/protect your child.
What other rules have you established to help protect your child?
How often do you remind your child of your love for him?
How often do you do safety reminders?
Have you ever experienced anything along these lines, and if so, what was the outcome?
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