tub–thumper
playDefinition of tub–thumper
:a vociferous supporter (as of a cause)
Last week I felt the onslaught of a suffocating darkness come over me.
If you have never felt a depression like this, my description may vary from cryptic to over-dramatic, but for those of you who feel this occasional (or sometimes often) heaviness, the deep pain is too familiar.
It came unexpected and unwanted and forced itself upon me so uncaringly: mind, body, and spirit.
It wasn't a sickness, although I did vomit and had a terrible headache; each of which I fought with sleeping and dark, quite, escapes.
It also wasn't some form of "woe-is-me".
It was a weight, and it sat so uncomfortably on my chest.
It was difficult to breathe.
It made me question living.
What brought this on?
How does a woman who LOVES and KNOWS and SEEKS the heart of God feel this way?
What did I do (to deserve this) (to fight this)?
Here's the thing...I am not entirely certain.
Is is a test?
It is the way to get to a deeper "level" with God?-a necessary evil?
Is it the enemy?
Is it all me?
I called God out on His promises- almost accusing Him of lying and needing to resist the lie that He has forgotten me, of worse, left me altogether.
Because, although He was at work -I believe this- it felt as though He was lingering around my basement while I was upstairs...like He was here, with me, and yet so far away; He was distancing Himself; Here, but not really...fulfilling His promise, but doing so with little heart.
And there was healing.
Some.
And still, all these days later, more healing is necessary. Because...a weight so massive one question's their sanity and desire to go another day...deserves more time to heal. Demands more time.
If you grew-up when this was commonly heard of the radio or Total Request Live, you'll either roll your eyes or burst into lyric at the mention of that song.
I, for one, liked it.
Still do...although it is so terribly awkward.
But the thing about the song, was that it offered hope.
It offered promise.
I get knocked down...
but I get up again...
you're never gonna keep me down.
It was an anthem for every misfit, myself included.
Driving to college in the early 2000's, it was a Switchfoot song which reminded me of the same hope as I felt with life's difficulties:
I dare you to move...
I dare you to move...
I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor...
I dare you to move...
I dare you to move...
like today never happened...
today never happened
Yes, Tubthumper gives me life.
This week it is a new song.
I know, this post is a little chessy...I mean, really...a post about song lyrics?
But still...
I know You're able...
and I know You can...
save through the fire with Your mighty hand...
but even if You don't,
my hope is You alone. ...
I know the sorrow...
and I know the hurt...
would all go away...
if You'd just say the word...
but even if You don't...
my hope is You alone
And then, I am crying, screaming, hurting so badly...and I feel the great contradictory.
The hypocritic, depressive, sting of how can I love God so much and desire Him so much and still feel that He is so far away?
But He really isn't, so I read.
“Blessed is the man You choose, and cause to approach You, that he may dwell in Your courts. We shall be satisfied with the goodness of Your house, of Your Holy Temple.” Psalm 65:4
And this is a PROMISE. A really beautiful one. So I consider how this can be in the midst of how I am feeling. ...what I am going through.
And I think of Jesus Who had a plan for the world, and the world rejected it.
And, although He was on board with the plan God had for salvation, it was through His own lips which He asked, "If there is any other way...but not My way, but Yours, be done..."
And, through all the heavy, the dark, and the hurt,
I say the same.
Not my will, but Your's be done, God.
Because, even though this sucks, I trust You.
Even when You feel far, I trust that You are not.
There is a stigma about Christian's and Depression. This is true for me, as I, too, feel like it makes sense that lover's of God be above the sting of depression. But so much about how we view the world verses how God views the world are not at all like we think they should be. It reminds us that our knowledge is SOOOOO limited, and God's is so much more capable.
This was a good laugh for me. I hope if you are facing some sort of heaviness, this offers you relief.
I recently wrote a post dealing with suicide by someone I truly cared about.
I ended it by posting the suicide hotline and offering this hope:
You are important.
Your life, important.
I know this, even when I do not feel this.
I hope, today, that you feel this...
more than that, I truly hope you know it.
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