I knew this was our last day and for some reason I assumed it would be light. Last week was a good week and every week since week one had been progressively better.
Then today happened.
I should have bought her a box of tissues as a parting gift, not that she had expected anything at all.Today was a day of tears. We talked about my progress and it was light and airy. Until...
Then I happened to mention my sex life and -red flag- the conversation had detoured.
Suddenly, this was all we were talking about and I was becoming comfortably/uncomfortable. Such a paradox.
I should tell you that, my husband thinks I have a distorted view of sex and he blames the church. Yes, we are Christians, but blaming the "church" is a valid thing. It is likely why so many Pastor's Kids run far away from religion when they are old enough. Sometimes, with good intentions, we drown ourselves in Christian culture.
The thing is this, I have tried to make sense of it, and I always end up defeated. Why, when something has such potential for goodness, does it backfire? Why do people who love Jesus and want to share that love often repel the people they are trying to attract?
Deborah and I talked about how I view sex and my opinion of it. We talked about Jesus and we talked expectations I place on myself as well as the perfect gaze of a loving Father. It was a difficult conversation and I realized a great many things, including what it is like to set my life up for domino success.
If POINT A were fixed or healed or worked on or settled in my heart and mind, then -and only then- can I move on to POINT B, which hits POINTS C, D, E.... and on and on it goes.
So what is my POINT A?
It took me a moment to think about. Was it the fact that my husband and I feel more like siblings than we do lovers? No, that in itself was not just "my" issue, and why was that the case anyway?
I needed to go deeper.
Was it the fact that I get uncomfortable in vulnerable positions? (Being naked in my husband's presence? Having sex?
This was closer, but still not it.
Then we hit the nail on the head. I do have distorted views of sex and nudity. Not because the church is at fault- not entirely, at least. My issue is also not with my husband, where I would like to point the finger (which sounds horrible, but it is so much easier pointing the finger outward than it is inward). My issue is with me and past experiences and believes I have had which influence me today. These influences are both positive and negative.
A negative for instance would be, my father (who is a decent man and a wonderful grandfather), made comments in my youth which still make me uneasy in my adulthood. Comments about the boobs flashing across the screen during a movie we were in the same room watching.
Did you see the hooters on her? Wow-we!
As a child -as HIS child- I did not want to be anywhere near him when he spoke like that. It was embarrassing and uncomfortable. It made me feel dirty.
Deborah equated this to PTSD. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Not to place myself near someone who had an experience in a larger scale (such as many in our military), but a milder case, none-the-less.
My POINT A is not my father. My POINT A are influences of my youth and childhood, even those of my adulthood, which still make me uneasy.
They are me dealing with myself, my circumstances, and my hopes for the future. Figuring how how to get beyond POINT A.
This bring on the domino effect. Domino Success.
I had excepted today would be light.
I was wrong.
A few weeks ago I was challenged to get myself set-up with a new psychologist. I knew my sessions with Deborah were limited and she wanted to make sure I was taking care of myself thereafter. The sessions are set to begin in the fall.
If I had to chose, knowing what I know now, I would have chosen this day THIS WAY over any "light day" she could have offered me.
Thank you, Deborah.
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