And only.
Big Strong Man and I married as virgins.
I was 26, he was 31.
My kept virginity was due to a pledge I had taken at about 17 after a True Love Waits course.
I happily signed the line promising that I would save myself for marriage.
Big Strong Man was also a virgin on our wedding day.
Although he grew up more involved in the church than I -and involved in it for a longer time than I- he didn't sign the True Love Waits pledge, he just decided to wait until the timing was right.
Until it was special.
As with resolve, temptation is often overlooked as an overpowering force and BSM was eventually ready to "give it away".
The girl was pretty, but so were many before her.
The difference was that she, unlike the others, wanted to be with him in a sexual way.
Feeling as though he were ready- or perhaps not feeling much of anything other than the demand for pleasure- BSM was there. Naked. With her.
They never competed the act.
God shut that down...if you know what I mean.
It seems a little funny, how God can intervene at some very personal moments.
Getting my first period....
Having sex for the first time....
These moments, which I would like to keep personal and private and off limits to everyone else.
Yet God is there, and in a -strangely- comforting(ish) way.
Today we did better, Big Strong Man and I.
We have been making strides in these past two weeks- since I had the difficult conversation with him about his addiction to pornography and how it was hurting me and hurting our marriage.
It was difficult on his end, too. Feeling judged and ashamed. Feeling dirty. Feeling overwhelmed at the prospect of facing his sin.
But we have both been making true and actual efforts to redeem our marriage, which, in all honesty and disclosure, looked fairly doomed.
Oh, we said that "divorce isn't an option" and declared that it is "not a word in our vocabulary".
We wrote our own vows for our wedding day, promising to be one another's best friend and support.
It was never far from either of us that divorce made both of us liars, and, worse, seemed to display for the watching world that God could not redeem us. That He was not enough. That He, was a liar as well.
It has been two weeks AND A DAY since BSM has looked at anything inappropriate.
(!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)I should be bursting from the seams.
I am so INCREDIBLY thankful.
Three days after my last counseling session, the day we had the difficult talk, he was at a men's Bible study with some guys from our church and just came clean.
He laid his sin out there and asked for help.
With vulnerability came accountability.
He has been journaling- which is new for, and groovy of, him.
He has been denying himself and pressing harder into God- which is a fancy way of saying that he is learning to be more childlike in putting his arms up and asking his Father God to help him.
It's a beautiful sight.
Tonight I prepared for bed and thought of him.
I thought of the journey he is on trying to be a better man.
I wondered if the sexual aspect of our marriage was about to be awakened.
Raw truth says that we haven't been together in months.
Almost a year.
It reminds me that sex still -after 8 years and multiple doctor examinations- hurts me and drives me to tears in both pain and frustration.
Reminds me that I am afraid.
Of him seeing my naked body.
Of the work it takes.
Of not being satisfied- or satisfying.
But there, getting ready, I considered that maybe I have placed too much weight on the sexual aspects.
Maybe God was going to first heal our friendship.
Remind us of how "we" happened.
And why.
Maybe there was where I would once again be attracted to him, like I was all those years ago when he was a mystery to me.
Maybe there, in the friendship, we would once again find the fun we had with one another and that would lead us into passion.
Without the pretense.
And pressure.
Perhaps, even, after we have learned to enjoy one another in all these other incredibly important ways, then we would long for one another with the passion of our wedding night.
The passion of forbidden love no longer forbidden.
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