I manufacturer all these play dates and clubs and "get-togethers" because, when it comes down to it, I think I try to find my worth in this.
It's the high school me still envious if the girl in the newspaper with her agenda book.
It's been 16 years since we've graduated.
I want to feel like I am important so I initiate the importance, and get invited into the importance, and sometimes stumble across the importance, but the point is to be there. To anticipate getting involved. The point is to feel like part of something.
And then I do this personality test at church and realize my greatest fault before the Lord could quite possibly be my need to pause.
-----
My freshman year at Bible college, I took piano lessons
and cringed when I learned that my final was performing a piece I had learned
to a song I was expected to write.
I was actually expected to sing. Aloud.
My song was simple, as my singing voice was and still is humble
and my confidence was not the type one desired when she was singing for a grade.
I wrote the song with a little help and, graciously, my piano teacher (an upperclassman)
and the professor grading me, Fritz, **
both sang along with me. It almost wasn't mortifying.
My song was based off Psalm 46:10.
I literally just kept singing, .
over and over,
"Be still. Be still and know that I am God.
Be still."
-----
But...
How does one pause when there are breakfast dates and dinner club? MOPS, and AWANAS, and tennis on Tuesdays? When I want to complete a series of books and go for a run and do my workouts at home? How does one pause when there are three children who constantly want entertained or fed, or need help with the potty? When there are dishes and meals and laundry and vacuuming each demanding to be done daily? How does one pause when she receives a phone call from someone and an invite to hear a story? How does one stop when she wants to listen to worship music, work on a devotional, and be diligent with reading her Bible? How does one pause when she fills her ears with Podcasts and with music and with people?
These thoughts came rushing out of me as I walked to the wall of the tennis courts. I needed some water and a moment to check something on my phone. What I got was an invitation.
I saw an ant.
And then another.
As I watched them gather some crumbs and take them back to their secret hiding place, I was overcome with the truth that these ants do not feel a need to prove themselves.
They simply are.
They gather out of need; out of habit.
They gather for survival.
And I, too, have been trying to survive.
I, too, gather and gather: playdate and invite, and workshops.
I, too, take these back to my secret place and utilize them to satisfy me.
Unlike the ants, however, I find that my form of survival -who and what I think I need to be and do to prove myself- is not satisfying. It is not life-sustaining.
I can go and go and go some more, but eventually, I remember that I am not the one who had a full page, colored article written on my behalf in high school.
I am not the one I want to be.
I want to be her.
But I am not.
In some weird contradiction, I am good with this.
I don't actually want to be her, just the part which I think made her special: the part where she looked so well put-together and perfect.
So I continue to act the part of important and popular and wanted and needed. I continue to make dates and attend programs, and join another committee.
But, seeing those ants made all of this come up and out of me. It was a realization with the same powerful force of labor contractions. I had no control. It was there. All of it. And it was real.
I grabbed my phone and spoke into the memos this message, for myself and for you.
Is the point that we do not need to prove ourselves?
I only recently came to peace with the reality that I may not be a world-renown, historical figure upon my death. I may not leave a legacy of best-selling books and perform some charitable act which will be long remembered. Perhaps, I will not be "special" in this world.
Perhaps I was not meant to be.
I have been sick this past week: congested, tired, and with a sore throat. Although I could push myself, I have decided to take this time away from working out. There are many desires I hold, and it has been nice to catch-up on blogging, and reading, and even packing up this house.
Sometimes we need to just lay things down.
They become a sacrifice.
They become a life of sacrifice.
It is difficult to lay down the desire to be fulfilled.
In marriage, in motherhood, and in my agenda book.
Big Strong Man is very opposite of me. He thrives with an open calendar and no plans. He is content with boring and laid-back and humble.
Then this. Cub Scouts began and I asked him to do this with our oldest, Zeplin. If not BSM, sign me up (you know I desire to be a Cub Mother SO MUCH!!), but, in truth, he needed this more.
What's more, we both needed it.
I need to sit some out.
He needs to jump some in.
On his own, he joined the Cub Scout committee and I nearly swooned. He is growing, and I pray I am, too.
Maybe we will not leave a legacy to be read about in schools hundreds of years from now. Maybe most of us aren't supposed to. But, what if...what if our legacy was living life well. Volunteering and relaxing, both. What if our legacy forgets our names but remembers, decades from now, that there was love, by that person, way back when. That there was love for people, and family, and God.
And what if this truth, this hope, this comfort, allows us to usher in the Pause?
The Cub Scouts held a Halloween party for the families. Our theme was pirates. We looked pretty.darn.good.
**(Professor) FRITZ SCHINDLER is amazingly talented! About 50% of us girls at the Bridal Bible college prayed to marry him. (The other 50% prayed to God begging not to marry him...ho-hum.) Make certain to click on his link above to see what all the fuss is about.
No comments:
Post a Comment