Bricks, Mirrors, Red Heads and British Singers

My beloved redhead Steffany Gretzinger released her second, solo, album, Blackout.
   
                                              

****and the crowd goes wild****

(Don't know her yet?? You should, she's phenomenal!)
It's sound is radically different from her previous, the Undoing.
So contrast is her first video...which you can watch, here.
I warn you, it's wild and it took me a few times through to "grasp" it. But I appreciate her art.

My most loveliest friend in the entire world is a resident of Kentucky. Marcie was born and raised there, a Kentuckian, through and through.
She and I have been in great anticipation of Steff's new cd and keeping one another posted with links to new singles and any information we could find. Marcie texted me the other day and we compared notes. In the end, I decided to blow-up her text messages every time I heard something in any of the songs which jumped out at me...because, why not? 

My messages went something like this...
..."the whole of "Save Me". "
..."I am dust. You are God. I am breathless. Till You fill me up"..." (Dust)
..."brick by brick, we'll take the walls down..." (Tell Me The Truth)

That last comment, it did something to me. Something I thought I had concealed and locked under guards with warnings not to open. Turns out, I did not. 

When I was a child I became very familiar with Pink Floyd, as my father would often listen to it, loudly, at night as he fell asleep on the recliner. 

The music always found itself upstairs to the room I shared with my brother and sister. The sounds haunted me, both melodic and frightening. 
Over and over, the sound of "Brick in the Wall, Part2" would find it's way to me.

The chorus screams,
"Hey, teacher, leave them kids alone. All in all, it's just another brick in the wall...".

I saw the Pink Floyd movie, The Wall by accident a few times. ...Sneaking in on a showing when my dad was watching it. ...Trying once, as an older teen to stomach it. To watch it all the way through. I failed.
It was exactly like that single time I tried to watch porn with my friends. I couldn't get into it. It made me wildly uncomfortable, and I left. 

My childhood wasn't ideal. It wasn't terrible, but I did carry lots of shame and hurt from that time. Lots of insecurity, some of which I still carry today.

Some of my deepest hurts, and darkest memories; some of the events which have left imprints over my life, stem from that time.
Again, not all bad, just as Pink Floyd isn't a bad group. To this day, lots of their songs have a soothing affect on my countenance.
They can simultaneously calm me and make my heart race. 

My first counselor, Brian, whom I met when I was 25 and engaged, made me stand in front of a mirror once and tell the young me that I loved her. 
Speak kindness over her. 
Tell her she was pretty. 
Worthy. 

I cried, instead, wanting to comfort the young me, and also despising her.      

So, clearly, I have built up walls. Brick by brick, built my walls. 

...all in all, it's just another brick in the wall...

..the wall of my life

And then that moment, yesterday, when I heard the lyrics and they came upon me. I had heard them before, listened to Steff's new cd a handful of times by then, but, suddenly, I heard them.
...brick by brick, we'll take the walls down....


And it was like Peace, and it was like reassurance, and it was a moment where I felt that God was speaking to me. Directing this motive, this "going into battle", for me. Instructing me to take the bricks down, and to do so with Him.
I told Marcie that this cd sounds like a battle anthem. A cd about overcoming. About waging war.

And I realized that this is a season of battle for me. Not  depression, I am not currently battling my mental health or outside circumstances, but what about an unveiling, an undoing? Maybe this is my call to go deeper with God.
Brick by brick...
Closer.