I know this sounds terribly dramatic, and I have had such a privileged life in many ways, but that doesn't remove the pain I have felt at different times and how it has altered my life: for better or worse.
My insecurities.
My disappointments.
My hurts.
So 13 years ago, I was, at this time, living in Germany as an Au-Pair with the K-family. Today is Christmas day, and, crazily enough, I spent it, 13 years ago, in Austria. We would have had spent yesterday skiing the Alps, or will that be tomorrow's memory of this day all those years ago?
This is me, on my bottom. I spent a good portion of my time right there.
The snow began the first week I arrived in Germany, the week of October 6th. It was a constant right up through the duration of time I was there, flying back to the States in March of 2006.
During my six months there, the weather was frigid and I wore multiple layers everywhere I went. In parallel to the weather, something inside me felt cold.
I fought this because I enjoyed so much of being there; the people I met and the family I lived with. The school I attended and the man I crushed on faithfully the entire time. My two friends, Holly, from Arizona, and Chilie, from Armenia. Minnie, the house cat, for whom I made a bed in my room. Listening to Robbie Williams and James Blunt (Listen to, You're Beautiful, below!) and watching Desperate Housewives with my First Lady.
But it was also my bulimia which surfaced at it's highest point while there. And the tension I was feeling with the people I cared so much about- my crush taking too long to ask me out; Holly bailing on me constantly; and issues within the family.
The cold within me was a result of having had come away from a four-year "Bible Bubble" lifestyle and not knowing how to breathe without it. It wasn't that Germany, or my experience there, was negative -it wasn't!- it was the hurt that came to the surface while there.
After I had returned, my church placed an add in our church bulletin which offered free counseling with a partnership between my church and a local with professional services.
I was visiting my mom and remember walking up her stairs, towards the guest room, and making the call. Setting the first appointment.
Brian, who ended-up being Big Strong Man and my first marriage counselor, offered his services in the upstairs room of his very exquisite home.
Brian also met with me, privately, once a week and I would unleash some deep-rooted hurts and disappointments.
All these years later, 13, and I am still in counseling.
But I share this without feeling -too- embarrassed.
Because I know how it helps.
To speak with a third party- someone removed from the people and experiences in your life.
Annie knows this, too.
She, like me on this blog and on my counselor's seat, is known to overshare.
But, she insists, "When someone else knows, it's better. It's better because when you say the thing out loud, you're facing it. And that's brave.".
Be Brave:
Friend, are you hurting? Don't run from it anymore.
With the New Year quickly approaching, prioritizing health is a worthy resolution.
So make that doctor's appointment.
Find a counselor with shared values and good reviews.
Carve out mandatory times of rest.
And fun.
My suggestion to you is simple:
Get yourself a new calendar.
Sparkling new. Full of possibilities.
And write out a plan.
You will make that call on THIS DAY.
Your self-imposed day of rest will happen, HERE.
Prioritize your health: physical and mental.
Merry Christmas!!
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