Both Hands

On Sunday I rejoined the ladies Bible Study at my church and it got me excited. It has been a good six months since I last participated for reasons such as extra sleep, avoidance, and grace: the last of which I lavished on my sons who, for years, had done the two-service church thing and were needing a break.
This Sunday we returned: two services.

My pastor's wife, Geri, believes in S.O.A.P.ing and, true to form, I have not been able to get away from something I learned. So I will share. (S.O.A.P.: Scripture, Observation, Application, Prayer)

We read through Mark 10: 13-31
And it was the portion of the rich man interacting with Jesus which got me.

Basically, this rich man asks Jesus what he must do to inherit eternal life.
He was rich and -just my guess here- but he was looking to use this commodity to buy his way into Heaven.

Then verse 21.

Here is reads, Jesus looked at him and loved him.

Hold up, ya'll, let's read that again. 

JESUS LOOKED AT HIM, AND LOVED HIM.

Jesus looked at him. Jesus saw him.
Jesus loved him. Right where he was. Loved Him.

To this, Jesus tells the rich man to go and sell everything he has and then come follow Him.

And here is the kicker: At this the man's face fell. He went away sad.

We read on that he was sad because he had great wealth and Jesus tells His disciples how hard it will be for the rich to enter the Kingdom of Heaven.

Although this portion of Scripture is heavy with sermon and conviction, the two portions I have not been able to get away from are those I have emboldened above.

This [rich man] was in the presence of the God Who Loves Him, and yet he was sad.

And how I can relate.

Annie F. Downs says something to the effect of how we can "hold both happiness and sadness at the same time". And I really like this picture: Both Hands.

For someone like me who is prone to sadness and melancholy, or even just deep introspection and whimsy, I can relate to this man. And I fight these feelings, considering them to be heavy and burdensome, but it is because of them that I can be in God's presence and be found, sad.

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For a season I worked with the Dream Center Teen Discipleship program and was surrounded by youth who had questions. As a ministry, the Dream Center would preach and teach and try to life out this Christian conviction and thing called grace but there were many questions, feelings, and uncertainties collectively felt between youth and leadership.

And so, on a rare, rainy day in Southern California, I found myself driving three of the youth, and the four of us went to a location I had found the year prior, overlooking the freeway. A hidden hill, open and vast. It had a walkway with Palm trees and roses bushes.
And between the rain and the freeway, we were extended the freedom to scream, and cry, and ask God the hard truths.
The Why questions.
The How questions.
The, I DON'T LIKE THIS, declarations.

And in this time, there was freedom. We did not walk away sad, as the rich man did, we walked away full, knowing that God was there, in that moment, and He loved us. And yet, in the midst of this, we were sad.

We held them both.

What do you hold, while in the presence of God?
I sometimes feel like a fraud, worshiping Him and simultaneously wondering about if my hair is out of place.
Or returning to Him while still feeling like He has distanced Himself from me.
But I think that these are honest feelings, and that God is not afraid of honest. 

I think, before the rich man ever opened his mouth, or walked away, Jesus loved him. And when he walked away, Jesus loved him still.

And I think it was love that allowed the screaming, crying, raining moment in the lives of those youth (and myself) to be so profound -still- all these years later.

We can hold these moments with Both Hands.