Love Letter to Second Time Mommies

 Love Letter to Second Time Mommies
Although you have been there before, seeing the pair of lines show up on your pregnancy stick, or receiving the confirmation at your doctor's office, never gets old.
Instant fear. Instant gratitude.
You have to purpose to catch your breath.
You're pregnant...again.

 

Zeplin and I with Demitri in utero

This post is written to all the mommies out there who are about to welcome their second babies into their arms. Congratulations.

It is humorous, in retrospect, how little we know when a baby is born. How large the responsibility and how little the education. For first-time mothers, there is this common feeling of overwhelming disbelief (I cannot believe he/she is here!) and also that of overwhelming anxiety (oh my goodness, I have to leave this hospital at some point and will be responsible for this little life-without a nurse to walk me through!).
There is one other overwhelming feeling, that of love.
These feelings never leave. Not in my experience.

While I was pregnant with baby boy number two, many well meaning people reassured me that the love would be there. 
I would love my children equally...
There is enough love for every child...
It is impossible to pick favorites...
I will love them both so much...

It wasn't that I ever had a difficult time loving him, he has always been a well-desired-baby-come-to-life; being pregnant for a second time was just different.

How can you possibly be asked to split your time, efforts, and attention between two lives-each so dependent upon you?
As your own body is still healing from delivery, you are asked to lay down your comfort so that a new baby can nurse (and nursing hurts in the initial, regardless of how many babies you may have and what the Lactation Consultants may otherwise say). The older child is being potty-trained, or beginning sports, bringing home homework, or wanting to ride a bike.
You are torn in two directions. Even more when you include your husband's and your own desires. 

Bringing home your second baby is an adventure.
There is excitement, anticipation, and joy.
There is gratitude and love.
In my experience, there was also a new set of fears with baby number two's arrival.

Suddenly I found myself sick with worry that I didn't love my babies equally.
At night, my two year old would cry for me from his toddler bed in the next room. Exhausted and doing all I could to stay awake and nurse baby Two, I would just listen to the tears in the next room, watch his little face on the baby monitor, and desire desperately in my heart to somehow be with him and be with baby Two simultaneously. 
Sometimes I found myself unfairly getting upset with baby Two for intruding on the relationship I had with my first born. Who was this new kid, coming in and taking over? Demanding so much of everyone and invading the close nit we had prior?
Of course thinking that made me feel rotten and typing it now still makes me feel rotten. Makes me feel like crying.
I hate admitting that I felt this way.

Questions of who should sit on the side closet to the door and who would sit in the middle of the van crippled me. I felt certain that the child who sat closer to the door would have to be the child I loved less, since the middle is the safest place and reserved for just one (favorite) child. Thank God that we have a van and the middle seat is non-existent. In our case, both children had seats besides doors and not having to chose seats made me feel better.
I was tore-up inside wondering who I would grab first in the event of a fire. A question that, thankfully, never needed answering, but a legit question non-the-less. A terrifying, question, one making me downright paralyzed with fear.

Perhaps it is no wonder that after the birth of my second child I experienced Postpartum Depression.  The medication I had taken for years prior to control my anxiety and depression had to be doubled.
It wasn't that I was not happy, nor was it that I did not want to be happy. I felt happy. In my heart, I was happy, but somehow happy wasn't enough. I struggled.

Second-time mommies, you are not alone.

It was not until my husband made a simple and yet entirely profound observation to me that something clicked and I knew things would be just fine. In his love and understanding, he kindly reminded me that I will always have a special bond with my firstborn, for it was he who first taught me how to be a mommy. It does not take away from baby Two or baby Three, it only reminds me that each child brings something new to the table, and each addition is a additional blessing.

As I type this I am only too aware that this post might trigger some anxiety in mommies which was not already there. I beg your forgiveness.

If you are a second (or third, or tenth) time mommy and you can relate to this at all, than I pray you know that it gets better.
As I type this, I have three young men, each napping peacefully.
I feel peaceful.
Somehow, miraculously, everyone falls into a groove. Toddlers become more independent of you and babies grow to be less fragile- although they never stop being fragile!
Somehow we learn how to manage time and once again can shave our legs and fix our hair. Everyone is fed. Everyone is dressed.
We can do this.

In my experience, bringing baby number three home was easier than baby number two. One and Two can now play together, they do not need my constant attention. I have decided that maybe I do not need to wake-up a sleeping baby to nurse every two to three hours, and that he will let me know when he is hungry so that we can both get more rest out of this deal. (He is a great nurser, putting on weight like a champ, and never neglected. I consider this a win-win-win!)

I prefer this vantage point. That of knowing that things get better. Life begins a new rhythm and it gets to feeling familiar and becomes your new norm.

As mothers (and fathers too), we are driven by both fears and hopes for the lives of our children. Both have their place. It is one of our greatest obligations to sort through the necessary and somehow learn to breath. Learn to find your niche and enjoy this wonderful time in life with these wonderful blessings.

You know, there is enough love.
In our family, no child is loved more than another, but the love for each of our sons is insurmountable.
The smell of their baby skin, the feel of their fine hair. They are loved.

Regardless of where you stand as a mother- from those of us still in the initial desiring stage to those of us with grandchildren- you are a valuable asset to your children.
You were, after all, their initial refuge.
Their first home.

It's amazing that, although a piece of our body leaves us once each of our babies are born, our hearts do not split but actually multiply.

You are loved, Mommy friends!