You'll Know if You KIlled Her...

She asked me if I was ready and I gave her the thumbs up. Neither she, nor I, nor anyone else in the room, could have known that within moments I would be the reason there would be blood on the floor.
The reason an elderly woman would need an ambulance.
I went to bed that night not knowing if I had killed her.

When I woke at 6am the following morning, I looked at my phone immediately; desperately hoping that there would be a message waiting for me. Hoping desperately to read that she was alright.
But there was nothing.

It would be another two hours before I would receive the update, that the sweet woman -whose head collided with mine during a workout class- was home and doing fine. Albeit, she had to have skin glue to seal the gash I had given her, from which the blood flowed.

Have you ever been made to feel the reality that you might be the cause of someone's death?
I have.
As I sat against the wall in the room, watching her being attended to by both her daughter and a friend of her daughter's, both nurses, it was her body, older and more frail than my own, which I set my gaze upon. She could not sit up on her own. She was shaking. She said very little but looked as though she was in excruciating pain.
It was accidental.
It was unfortunate.
But it happened, and I was the cause of it.

This past weekend I learned of three people's deaths. One, a sister to a friend of mine. Cancer. Two, the death of a young woman who had dealt with mental health issues. A friend of a friend. And three, a young child, a boy named Aiden; five years old, with water on his brain. He died in his sleep.
And I write this because there are many times when I do not understand the will of God at all and yet I have to trust Him.  In my mind and in my heart, I have no choice. 
Because I am staking my entire life on the fact that He is who He said He is. 
God.
Love.
Good.

And when I wondered if she would lose consciousness, or suffer some insurmountable issue which would lead to her untimely death, my heart would skip and the beats would sound like drums.
Beat.
Beat.
Thud.
Thud.

And I was scared.
Faith is holding tighter still -even when you just don't understand/like/want what you walk through, but you hold His hand all that much tighter.

Friend, if you are going through something. Death of another. Of a dream. Of a hope. You are not alone.
Friend, if you are in pain. Physical. Emotional. Spiritual. You are not alone.

We know that this life is not easy. Not.for.A.Single.One.Of.Us. Not one.
It is the faith that gets us through.
That belief that God IS whom He says He IS.
And that He can be trusted.
And that we are not alone...even when we walk through the valley of the shadow of death.
Our own death, and that of others.

Tonight I would like to pray for you. Because you are my friend. And perhaps you need this.

Precious Father. You are worthy.
It is the likeness of Your character.
Who You are.
Faithful.
Holy.
Precious Father, You do not change.
You are trustworthy.
When I doubt, as I do sometimes, please forgive me. And I thank You!
Lord, may You remind me always that I am weak, but You are strong.
All of my good deeds, thoughts, intentions, they do not add up to Your greatness.
For, You are BIG, and I am small.
May I never forget that.
May I never forget that. 
I trust You. And here, in this moment, it feels easy. Sometimes it does not though.
And in those times, precious Father, may You lovingly extend Your hand that much clearer,
and may I -through tear-stained eyes if I must- seek out Your hand.
And hold tightly.
Especially tightly.
Because You are enough.
It is You.
All for You.
And for Your glory.
May my life bring You blessing.
And Father, my precious Father, may this be the prayer of all of my friends.
Their hearts are Yours.
Your hand, may they take a hold of.
May You be blessed by us all.
For You are worthy.
In Your name -the name of Jesus- I pray.
Amen.

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