It is Saturday. The Saturday between Good Friday and Easter.
With a heavy heart and a thumping head, I type.
I type for freedom.
I type for release.
I type...for kindness.
...for redemption.
...for healing.
For the pain we hold: the loss of a dear one: and choosing kindness
This week I learned of a dear one, gone to suicide.
I read of a fun one, feeling the fun leave her.
I heard of compromise, and the incredible pain it inflicts.
And yet, I have hope. In sorrow, hope. This Easter weekend, here is my heart.
What is Good Friday- and how can Jesus' crucifixion -His pain, His humility, His loneliness- how can we find the good in this?
If you are a believer of Jesus Christ you may call yourself a Christian.
I do.
I believe Jesus is the Son of the Living God.
He came to redeem us back to a God who could not look upon us in our sin- for He is Holy.
Purely holy, and His light has no place in darkness- we wear darkness, because we are sinful people.
Jesus went to the cross to be the perfect Lamb of God.
(What does "Lamb of God" mean?, click here.)
On the third day, Jesus rose from the grave, defeating death.
oh death, where is your sting? 1 Corinthians 15.55
Jesus removed the darkness, giving us access to God. It is not that sin is gone, clearly it is not, but the barrier between the Father and us is removed through Jesus.
I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life. No one can come to the Father but through Me. -Jesus
(John 14:6)
So...what does any of this mean?
I understand it to mean this:
"Good Friday" was not a good day. It was a day of pain, and compromise; of words that stung, like the wine on the hyssop branch; of betrayal and heartbreak.
And yet, the good is this:
Jesus endured this -willingly endured this- and now, 2000-something years after the cross, we can continue to come to the Father; The Father in Heaven.
The good news of this day is that
Jesus defeated sin.
He defeated death.
This is very good indeed.
***
I was tagged in a Facebook feed earlier this week, before I heard of compromise; before I contemplated the "good" of this weekend.
For a Christian family, this weekend excites us -Christ is Risen!
I super-focus on His resurrection and skim over His very real hurt.
So this Facebook feed began with a loved one I had met over a decade ago at a discipleship program.
*One of the best seasons of my life*
He tagged some friends, who tagged some friends, and this feed grew.
It is still growing.
Our common denominator is this: we all experienced this program, this season in life, together, Some of us were disciples, others, overseers. I was one of the latter.
So we post pictures and scan one another's Facebook pages, catching up on life.
We laugh as we share funny memories, and I earnestly scan it all, not wanting to miss a moment.
All this time later, they hold a piece of my heart.
Each of them.
Ana is gone.
I read this and all kinds of thoughts flood my mind.
Ana, a disciple of this ministry.
Ana: grace; serene, favor
This is the epitome of the perfect girl. Every moment you spend with her will remain etched in your memory. You will have a great day just by saying hello to her! x) She's a friend of gold on who you can always count on. She is always there if you are in need and will every time ascend your moral! She puts heart into her work and gives it completely! She believe sometimes that she won't happen to achieve its goal, but it is only because she forgets that she is talented and smart! She's a totally charming, beautiful and amazing woman. But be careful not to manhandle her feelings and treat her like a princess! Must bring her love and not lie to her! If you ever have the chance to have Ana as a friend, you can be sure she will bring you happiness and joy in your life! -urbandictionary
I remember her. Of course I do. She is etched on my mind and heart.
What happened to Ana, I ask.
She is dead now, it has been a few years. She committed suicide.
And my heart falls.
NO!
I scream.
God, where is Your glory in this??
How can this be?
Why?? Why didn't You save her?
I surrender to the whys.
***
I am studying the book of John.
This week, I reviewed chapter 19th and I find myself in this place of seeing something so clear- something I had not previously seen.
Pilate had Jesus flogged with a lead-tipped whip. (vs1)
I hear a commentary and the author suggests that he did this as a compromise.
The Jewish leaders wanted Jesus dead.
Crucified; the worse kind of death.
Pilate could not find fault in Jesus and tried many times to release Him.
The others would have nothing of it.
It is possible that the same people who had shouted "Hosanna" just days earlier were there among the Jewish leaders, demanding His death as well.
Pilate's ordered flogging was meant to appease those who wanted Jesus dead.
He thought his compromise would somehow be sufficient.
It was not.
They demanded more.
They demanded death.
Pilate's compromise meant Jesus suffered even more.
***
Have you heard of Jen Hatmaker? (You can Facebook-stalk her like me.)
If not prior to last year's election, you likely have since.
Let the record state: she loves God and people and I stand with her.
She spoke yesterday, through letters on a page; type on a computer.
She sent a blog post out into the world.
And I read it.
Jen is hurting. She is in a place of feeling betrayed, a place of loneliness.
An excerpt:
But I get the death part this year, the Good Friday part. All the memes and quips and quotes floating around the internet are falling on a numb heart. This year, I deeply experienced being on the wrong side of religion, and it was soul-crushing. I suffered the rejection, the fury, the distancing, the punishment, and sometimes worst of all, the silence. I experienced betrayal from people I thought loved us. I felt the cold winds of disapproval and the devastating sting of gossip. I received mocking group texts about me, accidentally sent to me; “Oh, we were just laughing WITH you!” they said upon discovery, an empty, fake, cowardly response. It was a tsunami of terror. One hundred things died. Some of them are still dead. Some are struggling for life but I don’t know if they will make it.
Reading this, I think of Ana.
I think of Jesus.
I think of how real sin and death are.
John 18:33-37New International Version (NIV)
33 Pilate then went back inside the palace, summoned Jesus and asked him, “Are you the king of the Jews?”
34 “Is that your own idea,” Jesus asked, “or did others talk to you about me?”
35 “Am I a Jew?” Pilate replied. “Your own people and chief priests handed you over to me. What is it you have done?”
"...Your own people and chief priest handed You over to me".
Jesus was betrayed.
Betrayed by His own people.
***
Ana's suicide cuts me to the core.
It is not the first suicide I have been exposed to , but the one with the most significance to me. One of someone I had such love and hope for. Someone I pray is at peace.
And last night, Good Friday, I looked up her obituary online.
I needed closure, I said.
And I stare at her picture, the one shown in the obituary, and I see a young woman. The same young woman I had the privileged of knowing over a decade ago.
And I am thankful. Regardless of the pain. In light of the hurt.
***
Jesus went to the cross.
"Your people hate You"
A compromise of flogging.
Nasty, hurtful mocking.
A crucifixion by those He came to save.
And yet, He went.
Willingly.
This is His heart for us.
***
Dear Jen Hatmaker,
This is His heart for you.
Precious Ana,
This is His heart for You.
***
A lot of the controversy with Jen Hatmaker stems from a series of comments she spoke which the Christian community took offense with.
I googled "why are Christians mad at Jen Hatmaker".
If it interests you, you can google it yourself.
The truth is that I have not read through it all.
I don't think it is truly necessary.
Interrupted was one of the best books I had ever read.
Seven changed me.
This clip had me laughing for days.
So I don't feel I need to read the articles.
I am not in denial...and I am not sure I agree with everything she is promoting.
But here is what I know,
If I'm a fool, I'm a fool for You, Jesus.
And if I am in the wrong, may I err in grace.
In humility.
And in kindness.
I believe this is Jen's heart as well.
If we are loving people into the Kingdom of God- showing them Christ's love when others will not, well, this is where I prefer to be.
If this is wrong, God knows my heart.
It is to love Him.
To love others.
To love Ana, and all the other "disciples" out there.
How many "Anas" are out there?
What if she could have been loved into wholeness?
I know that was our heart at the ministry.
Jen Hatmaker, keep loving the Anas.
Keep loving people into the Kingdom of God.
***
It was late when I looked-up Ana's obituary. When I saw her picture.
It was also sleepover night at Casa McFive, which means Zeplin and Demetri were out on the couch, sleeping.
The three of us in the living room, I kneel to pray.
Father God, I am frightened. I pray.
I am frightened of the dark, with such hurt and horror in my mind.
I am frightened of what has become of Ana.
Where she is now.
The unknowing.
The striking pain.
And I cry.
Sob.
I cry for her pain.
For that of her family and friends.
For that of injustice and the fact that suicide exists.
I cry for sin.
For the darkness in this world.
And for the Lamb of God who went to the cross to remove it.
To give us hope, even when we mocked Him.
In that moment I make this choice: I will worship You, through and through.
And, with worship music on, I grab my Bible and I sing.
I lift my arms, surrendering the unknown; relying on the trust I have in the only One who is faithful to the end.
The One I can trust.
I re-read John 19 and I continue to sing.
The praise Jesus deserved then, He still deserves now.
He put the Good in Good Friday, don't you know?
And a song fills the air. One I have heard oh, so many times before.
Oh death, where is your sting? Our resurrected King, has rendered you defeated
Kari Jobe, Forever
And a peace comes into the room.
Death, you are defeated.
Sin, you are defeated.
THIS is the essence of Good Friday.
***
This morning I saw a cardinal on the door of my vehicle.
My mother-in-love says this represents the spirit of a loved one, visiting.
This is not Scriptural.
I am not re-writing the Bible.
But I see this cardinal, and I smile.
The peace which I felt last night-that of inviting the Holy Spirit into all of me- even the frightened, even the hurt- it remains.
***
Suicide is real. It is scary and it hurts.
If you or anyone you or anyone you know is thinking about suicide, please, reach out for help.
There is life for you.
And you matter.
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