This is like, a thing. right?
A mantra.
A life-verse.
Last week I began taking Lexapro.
This is a medicine for both anxiety and depression...both culprits taking up residence in my life currently, and one -depression- making his up-teenth re-appearance.
Thanks, no thanks.
In full-disclosure, my doctor, Jennifer, told me this is my final have-at-it.
If Lexapro doesn't do his job (it can be a he, right?), I am going to need to seek psychiatric counseling.
This is the big leagues, people.
As a Christian woman, a wife and mother, and an overall optimistic person, this seems entirely hypocritical and ...let's face it...odd.
What does this say, for instance, about my relationship to Jesus?
Isn't He supposed to be good?
How is this good?
What about my marriage?
Is it failing?
Am I unhappy?
Are we going to make it?
And being a mother?
Do I not love my children?
Am I messing them up?
Yes, I have wondered each of these myself.
The best I can conclude:
God is still on His throne, my marriage is a work-in-progress, and I will do anything I can to be the best mother I can.
This includes taking care of me.
Eight years ago, Big Strong Man and I said our "I does" over the course of two April Saturdays: once in PA, the other in IN.
Two weddings...this I highly recommend.
One month into our marriage, I discovered that he was STILL fulfilling his desires with porn, something I had thought would end with marriage.
We were, after all, supposed to fulfill one another.
But sex hurt so terribly for me and neither of us was any good at it, so I suppose he resorted to this because it was a release. One he had known long before he ever met me.
Eventually, I had had enough of it and, like any good wife, I took our expensive cordless keyboard and I smashed it into a million pieces on our porch.
After that, I ran away from him and hid in a bush when he went driving by, looking for me.
Through winded gasps, I was wailing as I walked further from our lake house; further from him.
I wanted him to hurt, to mourn me and the pain he had caused me.
It is eight years later, and he is still struggling.
We spoke about this yesterday and I feel for him.
And for me.
Porn, what a nasty, nasty demon.
That first year of marriage, I went on the anti-depression/anxiety medication, Celexa.
I was part self-shamed because I never saw this coming- I certainly didn't ask for it.
I was also part self-grateful. I have had seasons depression since middle school.
Four years into our marriage, and taking 20mg of Celexa, I gave birth to Demitri and had post-pardon depression. With my doctor's approval, I had my dosage doubled.
It is now four years later and I no longer feel the effects of Celexa.
More accurately, I no longer feel the additive which gave me a little upmf.
I am just pretty even-keel.
But I desire more.
I desire life.
So I asked doctor Jennifer for something else.
Not because I need something to get me out of bed in the morning...
not because I need something to be happy...
but because I know I can be feeling more, and I am not.
My body, simply, is not.
Simple, not so simple.
So she recommends Wellbutrin and I am excited because she advocates for this with the adjectives: Happy, Horny, Skinny.
Apparently this medicine is magic.
Two weeks in and I experienced hives on my eyelids (which may or may not have been related), and the horrid week of depression referenced here.
Like a heavy, suffocating darkness.
I continued to take the Wellbutrin but after a few days stopped, cold turkey.
I should have called my doctor.
I should have done it different.
After returning to my doctor and crying through my recap, she recommends Lexapro and I am off.
It is now one full week of experiment Lexapro, and I am hopeful.
Why am I sharing this?
Here's why:
Because I sincerely love Jesus, my family, and life.
And with all my heart, I want to love well.
My mind is not co-operating and I need help.
I wonder if I am not alone.
I thought this would be a good place to share.
To encourage.
To be real.
In truth, I wish I didn't have a "mental health" issue.
And if I had to, I wish Jesus would take it away with His mighty hand.
But I do and He hasn't.
And right now, like it or not, this is my life.
Honest and raw.
In mentioning my husband's connection to porn, this is a battle he and I must fight together.
Because it is real easy for me to just look at him with disgusted eyes and a curled up nose.
It is easy for me to shame him.
But this is driving us further from one another, not closer.
And we are in a battle for our marriage.
For a healthy, loving marriage.
Again, we are Christian people, why the struggle?
Who knows, that's why.
I hope this helps someone feel a little more part of community and not so alone.
How about some hellos?
Hello overcast days: I <3 you
Hello Hillsong United and Jesus Culture ringtones.
Hello friend still in town.
Hello Lovies napping peacefully in the other room.
If you relate to this at all, take courage, you are not alone,
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